him acknowledging his folly, ver. 10, * And I said, This is my infirmity.' This I may thank thee for, O my unbelief, thou enemy of God and my soul : thou wilt be puzzling me with needless fears, and make me think and speak so unworthily of my God. This proved there was faith at the bottom of his . unbelief.
Secondly, The doubtings of a sincere believer are accompanied with ardent desires after those things which it most calls in question and doubts of. The weak believer, he questions whether God loves him or no, but he desires it more than life ; and this is the language of a gracious soul, Psa. Ixiii. 3 : ' Thy loving- kindness is better than life.' He doubts whether Christ be his ; yet if you should ask him what value he sets upon Christ, and what he would give for Christ, he can tell you, and that truly, that no price should be too great if he were to be bought : no condition that God offers Christ upon appears to him hard, but all easy and cheap. And this is the judgment which only the believing soul can have of Christ, ' Unto you therefore which believe he is precious,' 1 Pet. ii. 7. In a word, he doubts whether he be truly holy or only counterfeit, but his soul pants and thirsts after those graces most which he can see least : he to him should be tlie more welcome messenger, that brings hini the news of a broken heart, than another that tells him of a whole crown and kingdom fallen to him. He disputes every duty and action he doth, whether it be according to the rule of the wordj and yet he passionately desires that he could walk without one wry step from it ; and doth not quarrel with the word because it is so strict, but with his heart, because it is so loose ; and how great a testimony these give of a gracious frame of heart, see Psalm cxix. 20, 140, where David brings these as the evidence of his grace. Canst thou, therefore, poor soul, let out thy heart strongly after Christ and his graces, while thou dost not see thy interest in either? Be of good cheer, thou art not so great a stranger with these as thou thinkest thyself; these strong desires are the consequent of some taste thou hast had of them already ; and these doubts may proceed, not from an absolute want, as if thou wert wholly destitute of them, but the violence of thy desires, which are not satisfied with what thou hast. It is very ordinary for excessive love to be- get excessive fears, and those groundless. The wife, because she loves her hus- band dearly, fears when he is abroad she shall never see him more ; one while she thinks he is sick, another while killed, and thus her love torments her with- out any just cause, when her husband is all the while well, and on his way home. A jewel of great price, or ring that we highly value, if but laid out of sight, the extreme estimate we set on them makes us presently think them lost. It is the nature of passions in this our imperfect state, when strong and violent, to disturb our reason, and hide things from our eye, which else were easy to be seen. Thus many poor doubting souls are looking and hunting to find that faith which they have already in their bosoms, being hid from them merely by the vehemence of their desire of it, and fear they should be cheated with a false one for a true ; as the damsel opened not the door for gladness to Peter, Acts xii. 14. Her joy niade her, forget wliat she did; so the high value the poor doubting Christian sets on faith, together with an excess of longing after it, suffers him not to entertain so high an opinion of himself as to think he at pre- sent hath that jewel in his bosom which he so infinitely prizeth.
Thirdly, The doubtings of a truly believing soul make him more inquisitive how he may get what he sometimes fears he hath not. Many sad thoughts pass to and fro in his soul, whether Christ be his or no, whether he may lay claim to the promise or no ; and these cause such a commotion in his spirit, that he cannot rest till he come to some resolution in his own thoughts from the word concerning this great case ; therefore as Ahasuerus, when he could not sleep, called for the records and chronicles of his kingdom, so the doubting soul betakes himself to the records of heaven, the word of God in the Scripture, and one while ho is reading there, another while looking into his own heart, if he can find there anything that answers the characters of Scripture-faith, as the face in the glass doth the face of man. David, Psa. Ixxvii., when he was at a loss what to think of himself, and many doubts did clog his faith, inso- nuich that the thinking of God inci-eased his trouble, he did not sit down and let the ship drive, as we say, not regarding whether (iod loved him or no, but ' commimcs with his own heart, and his spirit makes .diligent search :' thus it is
ABOVE ALL, TAKING THE SHIELD OF FAITH. /^"^f^