1 J. Keliuan.
ACTS ix. 4 107
thunder-cloud. Conversion, when it is most sudden, has behind it days and even years of passing religious thought, and conscience- pricking, and spirit-striving. It is only when the hands are on the hour that the clock strikes, but through the whole sixty minutes the whole machinery has been moving towards this very thing. The clock struck in this case on the way to Damascus, but the wheels had been going round a long time bringing it to this point. Christ's unseen hand had been laid upon Saul more than once, and he had felt it and shaken it off, half in fear and half in anger.1
I was quick in the flesh, was warm, and the live heart shook my breast; In the market I bought and sold, in the temple I bowed my head. I had swathed me in shows and forms, and was honoured above the rest, For the sake of the life I lived; nor did any esteem me dead.
But at last, when the hour was ripe — was it sudden-re- membered word ? Was it sight of a bird that mounted, or sound of a strain that stole? — I was 'ware of a spell that snapped, of an inward strength that stirred, Of a Presence that filled that place; and it shone, and I knew my soul.
And the dream I had called my life was a garment about my feet, For the web of the years was rent with the throe of a yearning strong, With a sweep as of winds in heaven, with a rush as of flames that meet, The Flesh and the Spirit clasped ; and I cried, " Was I dead so long ? "
I had glimpse of the Secret, flashed through the symbol obscure and mean, And I felt as a fire what erst I repeated with lips of clay; And I knew for the things eternal the things eye hath not seen; Yea, the heavens and the earth shall pass, but they never shall pass away.2
1 J. G. Greenhough. 8 Helen Gray Cone,
108 WHY PERSECUTEST THOU ME?
I.
The Preparation.
1. It is worth our while in the first place to inquire into the events which led up to the change. For it is evident that it was sudden only in its climax, as we may gather even from the words " it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks " (verse 5). This inference is borne out by the altogether excessive zeal of the voluntary inquisitor. "When we think what humble folk these early Christians were — slaves, women who earned their livelihood by trade, odds and ends of the below-stairs life of the great Empire — and when we remember how Saul rushed from house to house after them, and how everything was at its harshest and most violent, we can see the unnaturalness of it all. No one likes this sort of work for its own sake, and this fiery crusade, self- imposed, is certainly suspicious.
Who lights the faggot? Not the full faith ; no, but the lurking doubt.
On the other hand, we know from himself that he had already been arrested by the discovery of the sinfulness of coveting, and the inward nature of morality. Pharisaic Judaism could do nothing to help him in that, but it was a first principle of Jesus' teaching. And there was much else in the new faith that must have strongly attracted him. The character of Jesus, and of His followers, was after all inexplicably beautiful, whatever one might think about their principles. Those women with the Madonna- like faces, those young men whose eyes were full of spiritual light — undoubtedly they had some secret of gladness and serenity hidden from the ancient world. Thus he was already more or less consciously dissatisfied with Judaism and tempted towards Christianity.
Yet such a change meant too much for him to make it possible that he should lightly capitulate. On the one hand, it was un- thinkable to his proud spirit that simple people like the Christians had been right, while he and all thinkers whom he respected had been wrong. And then, if by any chance it should be true, the ghastly alternative was that he and his friends had seen their
ACTS ix. 4 109
own Messiah, and crucified Him. No wonder that he felt " the anguish of a constant misgiving." It was the clash of two con- - sciences within him. It was impossible to go on for long with this hunting of such small and defenceless game without a pang ; and yet a sorer pang threatened him if for a moment he admitted the possibility of his nation's crime, and the falsehood of her fixed convictions.
It was characteristic of the man to seek to settle the conflict by a blind and furious dash for one side. But the journey gave him much enforced leisure when he was not in a mood that could bear to be still. Whatever route he chose, he could not escape daily memories of Jesus and His doings. He was no longer backed by public opinion, and the solitary ride only gave freer course to his uncertain thoughts. By the time he had drawn near to Damascus, he must have been growing feverish. No Eastern travels at high noon except upon compulsion. Then in the still hot air, while the merciless sun beat on him and his unwilling and sullen companions, the city burst upon his view.