II.
Oue Judgment of Oueselves.
We pass from the judgment of others to our own. " I judge not mine own self."
1. The Apostle is not to be taken here as contradicting what he says in other places. In one of these same letters to the Corinthians he says, " If we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged." So he does not mean here that he is entirely without any estimate of his own character or actions. That he did in some sense judge himself is evident from the next clause, because he goes on to say, " I know nothing against myself." If he acquitted himself, he must previously have been judging himself. His acquittal of himself, however, is not to be understood as if it covered the whole ground of his life and character ; it is to be confined to the subject in hand — his faithfulness as a steward of the mysteries of God. But though there is nothing in that region of his life which he can charge against himself as unfaithfulness, he goes on to say, " Yet am I not hereby justified."
All of us who have read the life of St. Paul will admit not only that he was sincere after his conversion to Christ, but that
1 Churchill, The Apology.
152 OUR THREE JUDGES
also as a Pharisee of the Pharisees he was a man of integrity even when he persecuted the Church of Christ, because he did it ignorantly in unbelief. St. Paul was a Pharisee, but never a hypocrite ; he never desired to live under false pretences, but was always faithful to his convictions, even when they were mistaken. He therefore could say especially now as an Apostle, " I know nothing against myself " ; in other words, " As far as I know, I am not guilty of any unfaithfulness in my office ; I desire to be faithful, but I do not put up my judgment against yours, or against the judgment of the world. I was sadly mistaken when I was a Pharisee ; and therefore I have learned not to fall back upon my own opinion as a court of final appeal — " I judge not mine own self." The strength of my life is not in my personal opinion, though I am not conscious of having been guilty of any insincerity. My conscious integrity doubtless adds individuality to my convictions, and strength to my life ; but that is not the sustaining force of my life, it is not that from which I draw my strength. Though I know nothing against myself ; yet am I not hereby justified.
H Grant that you acquit yourself at the bar of conscience, that the acquittal is impartial, is sincere. Are you competent as a judge ? Have you before you all the data on which the verdict must be founded ? How much do you know of yourself ? At this very moment your friends, your neighbours, even casual strangers, discern faults in you which you do not actually and perhaps may not ever suspect. They see one side of you ; you your- self another. Yours is the larger fraction, but it is only a fraction still. There are intricate complications in the heart of every man, which far transcend his powers to unravel. At times we may almost realize, not indeed the knowledge of ourselves, but the knowledge of our ignorance of self. A shock is given to the moral system by some unwonted occurrence — a disappointment, a loss, a sickness, a bereavement, a desertion, a surprise of tempta- tion, a victory of sin. A momentary light is flashed in upon the man's heart, and reveals to him his inability, his meanness, his inconsistency, his degradation. Then he begins to suspect how little he has known of his true self. But the flash is gone, and the old darkness gathers about him. What do you remember now of the eventful history of some one sin which has long become a habit — the warnings, the compunctions, the counter- acting influences, the growing attractions, the faint resistance, becoming feebler and feebler, as the allurement became stronger
i CORINTHIANS iv. 3, 4 i53
and stronger ? How little do you scrutinize, record, realize the motives which urge you to the conduct of to-day or to-morrow, too absorbed in the energy of the processes, and too eager about the success of the results ! Yet just here, in this past history, here, in these directing motives, are the main elements in which your responsibility consists, the chief data on which your final sentence must be based.1
Tf It is not permitted to the most equitable of men to be a judge in his own cause.2
The seas that shake and thunder will close our mouths one day, The storms that shriek and whistle will blow our breaths away. The dust that flies and whitens will mark not where we trod. What matters then our judging? we are face to face with God.3
2. The man as seen by himself is a very different one from the man seen by the world or even by his closest friend. Is he better or worse ? He is both.
(1) In some respects we all, perhaps, know ourselves to be better than we are supposed to be. There are bright visitations in the mind which we could not communicate to another if we tried. Then there are some of the best things which we dare not speak of; humility, for example, spoken of is humility no more. What religious man can fully describe the tragic moments when his soul lies prostrate and penitent before God, or the golden moments when he is closest to the Saviour ? Such things are soiled by fingering. Besides, in all highly toned minds there is a modesty about explanations; and even in the frankest friendship there is many a word, many an act, which we know is misinterpreted to our disadvantage, but which we cannot explain.