――――YESTERDAY I made an end of revising all my Journals. Blessed be GOD for letting me have leisure to do it. I purpose to have a new edition before I see _America_. Alas! alas! in how many things have I judged, and acted wrong! I have been too rash and hasty in giving characters both of places and persons. Being fond of scripture language, I have often used a style too apostolical, and at the same time I have been too bitter in my zeal, wild-fire has been mixed with it; and I find that I have frequently written and spoken too much in my own spirit, when I thought I was writing and speaking entirely by the assistance of the Spirit of GOD. I have likewise too much made impressions, without the written word, my rule of acting; and too soon, and too explicitly, published what had better been kept in longer, or left to have been told after my death. By these things, I have given some wrong touches to GOD’s ark, hurt the blessed cause I would defend, and stirred up needless opposition. This has humbled me much since I have been on board, and made me think of a saying of Mr. _Henry_’s, “_Joseph_ had more _honesty_ than he had _policy_, or he never would have told his dreams.” At the same time, I cannot but bless, and praise, and magnify that good and gracious GOD, who imparted to me so much of his holy fire, and carried me, a poor weak youth, through such a torrent both of popularity and contempt, and set so many seals to my unworthy ministrations. I bless him for ripening my judgment a little more, for giving me to see, confess, and I hope in some degree to correct and amend some of its mistakes. I thank GOD for giving me grace to embark in such a blessed cause, and pray him to give me strength to hold on, and increase in zeal and love to the end. Thus, dear Sir, I have unburdened my heart to you. I look upon you to be my _Fidus Achates_, and therefore deal thus freely. If I have time and freedom before we land, I think to begin and write a short account of what has happened for these seven years last past; and when I get on shore, GOD willing, I purpose to revise and correct the first part of my life.”
This I am now about, and when finished, shall send it into the world, I hope in a more unexceptionable dress; though I am fully satisfied before-hand, that write or speak of the things of GOD as unexceptionably as may be, they will be always esteemed foolishness by the natural man, because they can only be spiritually discerned. However, the way of duty is the way of safety. Let me but be found in that, and I can then chearfully leave the consequences with GOD. In the mean while, I thank you, Sir, for pointing out to me a very wrong expression in the last part of my life. My words are these; “I could no longer walk on foot as usual; but was constrained to go in a coach, to avoid the _Hosanna_’s of the multitude.” Your remark runs thus, section 8. page 20. “_Very profane_, unless it be a false print for _huzza_’s.” I could wish it had been so; but the word was my own; and though not intended to convey a _profane idea_, was very wrong and unguarded, and I desire may be buried in oblivion, unless you, or some other kind person, are pleased to remind me of it, in order to lay me low before GOD and man.
A review of all this, together with my having dropped some too strong expressions concerning _absolute reprobation_; and more especially, my mentioning Mr. _Wesley_’s casting a lot on a private occasion, known only to GOD and ourselves, have put me to great pain. Speaking of this last, you say, page 75. “A more _judicious sentiment_, perhaps, never dropt from Mr. _Whitefield_’s pen.” I believe, Sir, the advice given was right and good; but then it was wrong in me to publish a private transaction to the world; and very ill judged, to think the glory of GOD could be promoted by unnecessarily exposing my friend. For this I have asked both GOD and him pardon years ago. And though I believe both have forgiven me, yet I believe I shall never be able to forgive myself. As it was a public fault, I think it should be publicly acknowledged; and I thank a kind providence for giving me this opportunity of doing it.
As for the _letters_, out of which you, and the author of the “Observations on the conduct and behaviour of the _Methodists_,” have taken so many extracts, I acknowledge that many things in them were very exceptionable, though good in the main; and therefore they have been suppressed some time. _Casting lots_, I do not now approve of, nor have I for several years; neither do I think it a safe way (though practised, I doubt not, by many good men) to make a _lottery of the scriptures_, by dipping into them upon every occasion.