But whilst such like thoughts have passed through my mind, there are others of another character. For instance: 1. I have already an abundance of work. 2. My dear wife has already an abundance of work. Her whole time, with little intermission (except for prayer and reading of the Word of God), is occupied, directly or indirectly, about the orphans. 3. Am I not undertaking too much for my bodily strength and my mental powers, by thinking about another Orphan House? 4. Am I not going beyond the measure of my faith in thinking about enlarging the work so as to double or treble it? 5. Is not this a delusion of Satan, an attempt to cast me down altogether from my sphere of usefulness, by making me to go beyond my measure? 6. Is it not also, perhaps, a snare to puff me up, in attempting to build a very large Orphan House?
Under these circumstances I can only pray that the Lord in his tender mercy would not allow Satan to gain an advantage over me. By the grace of God my heart says,--Lord, if I could be sure that it is thy will that I should go forward in this matter, I would do so cheerfully; and, on the other hand, if I could be sure that these are vain, foolish, proud thoughts, that they are not from thee, I would, by thy grace, hate them, and entirely put them aside.
My hope is in God; he will help me and teach me. Judging, however, from his former dealings with me, it would not be a strange thing to me, nor surprising, if he called me to labor yet still more largely in this way.
The thoughts about enlarging the orphan work have not arisen on account of an abundance of money having lately come in; for I have had of late to wait for about seven weeks upon God, whilst little, very little comparatively, came in, _i. e._ about four times as much was going out as came in; and, had not the Lord previously sent me large sums, we should have been distressed indeed.
Lord, how can thy servant know thy will in this matter? Wilt thou be pleased to teach him?
Dec. 11. During the last six days, since writing the above, I have been, day after day, waiting upon God concerning this matter. It has generally been more or less all the day on my heart. When I have been awaking at night, it has not been far from my thoughts. Yet all this without the least excitement. I am perfectly calm and quiet respecting it. My soul would be rejoiced to go forward in this service, could I be sure that the Lord would have me to do so; for then, notwithstanding the numberless difficulties, all would be well, and his name would be magnified.
On the other hand, were I assured that the Lord would have me to be satisfied with my present sphere of service, and that I should not pray about enlarging the work, by his grace I could, _without an effort_, cheerfully yield to it; for he has brought me into such a state of heart that I only desire to please him in this matter. Moreover, hitherto I have not spoken about this thing even to my beloved wife, the sharer of my joys and sorrows and labors for more than twenty years; nor is it likely that I shall do so for some time to come; for I prefer quietly waiting on the Lord, without conversing on this subject, in order that thus I may be kept the more easily, by his blessing, from being influenced by things from without. The burden of my prayer concerning this matter is, that the Lord would not allow me to make a mistake, and that he would teach me his will. As to outward things, I have had nothing to encourage me during these six days, but the very reverse; for the income for the various objects of the Scriptural Knowledge Institution for Home and Abroad has been unusually small, only six pounds fourteen shillings altogether, while the outgoings have been one hundred and thirty-three pounds eleven shillings sevenpence. But all this would not weigh the least with me, could I be quite sure that the Lord would have me to go forward.
The especial burden of my prayer, therefore, is, that God would be pleased to teach me his will. My mind has also been especially pondering how I could know his will satisfactorily concerning this particular. Sure I am that I shall be taught. I therefore desire to patiently wait for the Lord's time, when he shall be pleased to shine on my path concerning this point.