REVEREND AND DEAR BROTHER,--I received your letter. As for my case, brother, I bless His glorious name, that my losses are my gain, my prison a palace, and my sadness joyfulness. At my first entry, my apprehensions so wrought upon my cross, that I became jealous of the love of Christ, as being by Him thrust out of the vineyard, and I was under great challenges, as ordinarily melted gold casteth forth a drossy scum, and Satan and our corruption form the first words that the heavy cross speaketh, and say, "God is angry, He loveth you not." But our apprehensions are not canonical;[232] they indite lies of God and Christ's love. But since my spirit was settled, and the clay has fallen to the bottom of the well, I see better what Christ was doing. And now my Lord is returned with salvation under His wings. Now I want little of half a heaven, and I find Christ every day so sweet, comfortable, lovely, and kind, that three things only trouble me: _1st_, I see not how to be thankful, or how to get help to praise that Royal King, who raiseth up those that are bowed down. _2nd_, His love paineth me, and woundeth my soul, so that I am in a fever for want of real presence. _3rd_, An excessive desire to take instruments in God's name, that this is Christ and His truth, which I now suffer for; yea, the apple of the eye of Christ's honour, even the sovereignty and royal privileges of our King and Lawgiver, Christ. And, therefore, let no man scaur at Christ's cross, or raise an ill report upon Him or it; for He beareth the sufferer and it both.
[232] Authentic Scripture.
I am here troubled with the disputes of the great doctors (especially with Dr. B.[233]) in Ceremonial and Arminian controversies, for all are corrupt here; but, I thank God, with no detriment to the truth, or discredit to my profession. So, then, I see that Christ can triumph in a weaker man nor I; and who can be more weak? But His grace is sufficient for me.
[233] Dr. Robert Barron.
Brother, remember our old covenant, and pray for me, and write to me your case. The Lord Jesus be with your spirit.
Yours, in his sweet Lord Jesus,