sniollieriiig the business, or smoothing it over ; but attaches tlie thief, indicts his sin, and confesseth tlie fact, to the justifying of God, whom before he had hard thoughts of: ver. 20, 'And I said. This is my infirmity;' as if he had said, Lord, now I see the Jonah that caused the storm in my bosom, and made me so uncomfortable in my affliction all this while; it is this unbelief of mine, that bowed me down to attend so to the sorrow and sense of my present afflic- tion, that it would not suffer me to look up to former experiences ; and so, while I forgat them, I thought unworthily of thee. Here was an honest plain-dealing soul indeed ; what akin art thou, O man, to holy David ? Is this thy way in searching of thy soul I Dost thou do it in earnest, as if thou wert searching for a murderer hid in thy house ; as willing to find out thy sin as ever a Papist in queen Mary's time was to find Protestants, whom to discover they would run their swords and forks into beds and haymows, lest they should be there? Or, when thou goest about this work, art thou loth to look too far, lest thou shonldst see what thou wouldst willingly overlook ; or afraid to stay too long, lest con- science should make an unpleasing report to thee? Tertullian said of the heathen persecutors, Nohierunt auilire, quod auditiim damnare non possint ; they would not let the Christians be heard, because they coidd not then easily have had the face to condemn thcnij their cause would have appeared so just : the con- trary here is true, the hypocrite dares not put his state upon a fair trial, because then he could not handsomely escape condemning himself. But the sincere soul is so zealous to know its true state, that when he hath done his utmost himself to find it out, and upon this privy search his conscience clears him, yet he contents not himself here ; but jealous lest self-love might blind his eyes, and occasion too favourable a report from his conscience, he calls in help from heaven and puts himself upon God's review : Psa. cxxxix. 21, * Do not I hate them that hate thee ? and am I not grieved with those that rise up against thee ?' Ver. 22, his own conscience answers to it : ' I hate them with a perfect hatred : I count them mine enemies.' Yet David, not wholly satisfied with his own single testimony, calls out to God, ver. 23, ' Search me, O God, and know my heart; see if there be any wicked way in me ;' and wise physicians will not trust their own judgments about the state of their own health, nor sincere Christians themselves about their soul's welfare ; it is God that they attend to ; his jiulgment alone concludes and determines them ; when they have prayed, and opened their case to him, with David they listen what he will say ; there- fore you shall find them putting themselves under the most searching ministry, from which they never come more pleased than when their consciences are stripped naked, and their hearts exposed to their view, as the woman of Samaria, who commended the sermon, and Christ that preached it, for this, unto her neighbours, 'that he had told her all that ever she had done,' John iv. 29 : whereas a false heart likes not to hear of that ; he thinks the preacher com- mits a trespass when he comes upon his ground, and comes up close to his con- science; and if he could he woidd have an action against him for it. This stuck in Herod's stomach, that John should lay his finger on his sore place ; though he feared him, being conscious, yet he never loved him, and therefore was soon persuaded to cut off his head, which had so bold a tongue in it, that durst reprove his incestuous bed.
Secondlj', The true heart shows its plain dealing with itself, as in searching so in judging itself, when once testimony*fcomes in clear against it, and conscience tells, — Soul, in this duty thou betraycst pride, in that affliction frowardness and impatience. Such a one is not long before it proceeds to judgment ; and this it doth with so much vehemency and severity, that it plainly appears, zeal for God, whom he hath dishonoured, makes him forget all self-pity ; he lays about him in humbling and abasing himself, as the sons of Levi in executing justice on their brethren, who ' knew neither brother nor sister' in that act ; trvdy such an heroic act is this of the sincere soul judging itself; he is so transported and clothed with a holy fury against his sin, that he is deaf to the cry of flesh and blood, which would move him to think of a more favourable sentence : ' I have sinned,' saith David, 'against the Lord,' 2 Sam. xii. In another place, ' I have sinned greatly, and done very foolishly,' 2 Sam. xxiv. In a third, he, as unworthy of a man's name, takes beast to hiinself : ' So foolish was I and igno- rant, as a beast before tlice,' Psa. Ixxiii. 22. But a false heart, if conscience'
258 HAVING YOUR LOINS