110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these: _You are very hot for mercy_, _but I will cool you_; _this frame shall not last always_: _many have been as hot as you for a spurt_, _but I have quenched their zeal_ (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can. _Though you do_, said Satan, _I shall be too hard for you_; _I will cool you insensibly_, _by degrees_, _by little and little_. _What care I_, saith he, _though I be seven years in chilling your heart_, _if I can do it at last_? _Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep_: _I will ply it close_, _but I will have my end accomplished_. _Though you be burning hot at present_, _I can pull you from this fire_; _I shall have you cold before it be long_.
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (_like her who met with adulterer_, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a while:—_I am persuaded that neither death_, _nor life_, _etc._, _shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord_. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by me; that in _Jer. iii._ at the first was something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, _My Father_, _Thou art the Guide of my youth_, and shall return unto Him.
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:_ For He hath made Him to be sin for us_, _Who knew no sin_, _that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him_. I remember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, _What ground have I to say that_, _who have been so vile and abominable_, _should ever inherit eternal life_? That word came suddenly upon me, _What shall we say to these things_? _If God be for us_, _who can be against us_? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, _Because I live_, _ye shall live also_. John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, _like to_ Peter’s _sheet_, _of a sudden were caught up from me_, _to heaven again_. Acts x. 16.
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, _Having made peace through the blood of His cross_. Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall never forget it.
116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, _Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood_, _He also Himself likewise took part of the same_, _that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death_, _that is the devil_; _and deliver those who through fear of death_, _were all their lifetime subject to bondage_. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.