87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1, _Behold_, _thou art fair_, _my love_, _behold_, _thou art fair_. But at that time he made these two words, _my love_, his chief and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. _That the church_, _and so every saved soul_, _is Christ’s love_, _when loveless_. 2. _Christ’s love without a cause_. 3. _Christ’s love_, _when hated of the world_. 4. _Christ’s love_, _when under temptation and under destruction_. 5. _Christ’s love_, _from first to last_.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; _If it be so_, _that the saved soul is Christ’s love_, _when under temptation and desertion_; _then poor tempted soul_, _when thou art assaulted_, _and afflicted with temptations_, _and the hidings of God’s face_, _yet think on these two words_, ‘My love,’ _still_.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, _What shall I get by thinking on these two words_? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, _Thou art My Love_, _thou art My Dove_, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, _But is it true_, _but is it true_? At which that sentence fell upon me, _He wist not that it was true_, _which was done by the Angel_. Acts xii. 9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘_Thou art my Love_, _thou art My Love_, _and nothing shall separate thee from My Love_. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, _Well_, _I would I had a pen and ink here_, _I would write this down before I go any farther_; _for surely I will not forget this forty years hence_. But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, _Simon_, _Simon_; _behold_, _Satan hath desired to have you_, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, _Simon_, _Simon_, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.