257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, _Live I must not_, _die I dare not_. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, _Ye are justified freely by His grace_, _through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus_. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: _Sinner_, _thou thinkest_, _that because thy sins and infirmities_, _I cannot save thy soul_; _but behold My Son is by me_, _and upon Him I look_, _and not on thee_, _and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him_. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, _Not by works of righteousness that we have done_, _but according to His mercy He hath saved us_, _etc._ 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, _Let me die_: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw _We shall never live indeed_, _till we be gone to the other world_. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, _Heirs of God_, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: _Heirs of God_! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel’s carrying _Lazarus_ into _Abraham’s_ bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, _So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world_. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, _O death_, _where is thy sting_? _O grave_, _where is thy victory_? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.
261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after _grace_ and _life_ by _Christ_; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.
262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, _I must go to Jesus_. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, _I must go to Jesus_? She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, _And to an innumerable company of angels_; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount _Sion_, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22–24.