332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: _They were stoned_, _they were sawn asunder_, _were tempted_, _were slain with the sword_, _they wandered about in sheep-skins_, _and goat-skins_, _being destitute_, _afflicted_, _tormented_, _of whom the world was not worthy_; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, _the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city_, _that bonds and afflictions abide me_. I have verily thought that _my_ soul and _it_ have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most _delicate_ reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business:—I was once above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, _that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell_. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: _But how if_, _when you come indeed to die_, _you should be in this condition_; _that is_, _as not to savour the things of God_, _nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter_? (for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul).
334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, _But whither must you go when you die_? _what will become of you_? _where will you be found in another world_? _what evidence have you for heaven and glory_, _and an inheritance among them that are sanctified_? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me, _that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition_, _Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair’s breadth from it_.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free; yea, ’twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, _I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity_, _sink or swim_, _come heaven_, _come hell_, _Lord Jesus_, _if Thou wilt catch me_, _do_; _if not_, _I will venture for Thy name_.
338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon me, _Doth Job serve God for nought_? As if the accuser had said, _Lord_, _Job is no upright man_, _he serves Thee for bye-respects_: _hast Thou not made an hedge about him_, _etc._ _But put forth now Thine hand_, _and touch all that he hath_, _and_, _he will curse Thee to Thy face_. How now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him? Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, etc.