6. The effects of my being thus exercised were: 1. I was brought to doubt of the truths of religion. Whenever I would have built on them in time of distress, a suspicion secretly haunted me; “What if these things are not so? Have I a certainty and evidence about them, answerable to the weight that is to be laid upon them?” Death and the trouble attending it, were certain things: but I was not so certain of the truths of religion. Still when, under apprehensions of death, I would have taken rest therein, but my mind began to waver. Not that I could give any reason for it; but _the way of the wicked is as darkness; they know not at what they stumble_. 2. I found plainly hereby that I could never have peace, till I came to another sort of certainty about religion. Death I saw was unavoidable and might be sudden; nor could I banish the thoughts of it. Therefore I concluded, “Unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it, as will make me look death in the face, not only without fear, but with joy; good it were I had never been born.” But how or ♦where this was to be obtained I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholly sense that I had hitherto _spent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not_. 3. This perplexity was somewhat eased one day, while I was reading how Mr. _Robert Bruce_ was in a doubt, even concerning the being of God, who yet afterwards came to the fullest satisfaction. I then felt a secret hope, “That sometime in one way or other, God might thus satisfy _me_.” Here was the dawning of a light, which though if it was not soon cleared up, yet was never wholly put out again. A light which though as yet it was far from satisfying, yet kept me from utter despair.
♦ “were” replaced with “where” per Errata
7. About this time one Mr. _Donaldson_, a reverend old clergyman, preached at _Perth_, and coming to visit my mother, called for me, and asked me among other questions, “If I sought a blessing upon my learning?” I frankly answered, no. He replied, with a severe look, “Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mischief in the church of God.” This saying left so deep an impression on me ever after, that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God, by prayer for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking it before. Yet as to the main, I was still afar off from God, and an enemy to him both in my heart and works.