_Of the straits he was in, and the course he took for relief, from May 1693, to August 1696._
1. THE air of _Edinburgh_ agreeing neither with my mother nor me, in _May 1693_ she removed to St. _Andrews_. And here I came under the care of Mr. _Taylor_, a wise man, and one very careful of me. Thus chased as I was from place to place, God every where provided me with friends. And now by the searching ministry of Mr. _Forrester_, he began to give me some small discovery of the more spiritual evils of my soul. He opened to me first the pride of my heart, and the wickedness and injustice of valuing myself upon those deliverances from my own weakness, which had been wholly wrought by his own strength. I likewise saw the impiety of _drawing near to him with my mouth, while my heart was far from him_: and indeed of trusting to any outward performance, without the life of all, _faith working by love_.
2. This, added to what I was conscious of before, frequently ♦threw me into racking perplexity; when finding no peace in my former evasions I resolved to enter into a solemn covenant with God; and having wrote and subscribed this, I believed all was right. I found a sort of present peace; amendment I thought sufficient atonement, and such an engagement I looked on as a performance. I now likewise often found an unusual sweetness in hearing the word, and sometimes the most piercing convictions. And these were indeed _a taste of the good word of_ God, _and of the powers of the world to come_.
♦ “through” replaced with “threw” per Errata
3. But the merciful God would not let me rest here: the peace I found by making this covenant, was soon lost by breaking it: at the same time my heart smote me for my old sins, by which I found former accounts to be still standing against me, which filled me with confusion and jealousies of these ways. I perceived too, something of the treachery of my engagements, and that my heart had not been found therein, but had secret reserves for some sins, which were then given ♦up inward only. God also let loose some of my corruptions upon me; which as soon as his restraint was taken off, were more violent than ever, and bore down before them all that I had set in their way. By these means he discovered to me the fruitlesness of my covenant, and threw me afresh into the utmost confusion: while the evil I thought so effectually provided against, again came upon me.
♦ “me in one word” replaced with “up inward” per Errata
4. Yet notwithstanding I felt the vanity of these ways, I still adhered to them. I again trusted my own heart, and hoped to recover by renewing the peace I lost by breaking my covenant. I laid the blame on some accidental defect in my former management, and thought, were that mended, all would be well. When I found something wanting still, I contrived to make it up with something extraordinary of my own, with the multiplication of prayers, or of some outward duty or other. But all these refuges failed, and my life was so throughly miserable while I was pursuing them, that had not the infinite mercy of God prevented, one of these effects had surely followed. Either, 1. The convictions I was under would have ceased, God giving over his striving with me, and then having attained to a form of godliness, I should have rested therein and looked no farther. Or, 2. If those convictions had continued, and I had been left to my own way, I should have _laboured in the fire all my days, wearying myself with vanity_, in a continual vicissitude of resolutions and breaches, security and disquietude: engagements and sins, false peace and racking anxiety, by turns taking place. Or, 3. When I had wearied myself in vain, I should have utterly given up religion, and gone over, if not to direct Atheism, at least to open prophaneness. Or, lastly, Being forced to seek shelter somewhere, and being so sadly disappointed in all the ways I tried, I had said, _This evil is of the |Lord|, why wait I any longer_? And so sunk in final despair. And in fact, I had some experience of all these. Sometimes I sat down with the bare form. Sometimes I wearied myself in running from one of these vain courses to another. At other times, finding no profit, I turned careless, and was on the point of throwing off all religion. And very often I was driven almost to distraction, and stood on the very brink of despair.