5. The subtle enemy, who had so often before tempted me to pride, now pressed me to a bastard sort of humility. “How can such an one as you expect to remove difficulties, which so many abler men have sunk under?” By this I was brought into grievous perplexity. I sought relief from my own reasonings, from books, and even from prayer, but I found it not. Then I wished for some extraordinary revelation; and at last sat down with the sluggard, _folding my hands, and eating my own flesh_. My own reasonings availed not against him, _who esteems iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood_. All my books overlooked many of my scruples, and did not satisfy me as to the rest. And as to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them, seeing I would not hear Moses and the prophets. So that I had quite sunk under the weight of my trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow and despair, had it not been for some little assistances which the goodness of God gave me, sometimes one way, sometimes another. When I was urged to reject the scriptures, it was often seasonably suggested, _To whom shall I go? These are the words of eternal life._ God powerfully convinced me, and kept the conviction strong upon my mind, that whenever I parted with revelation, I must give up all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. The boasted demonstrations of a future happiness, built only on the light of nature, I had tried long ago, and found to be altogether weak and inconclusive; though had they been ever so conclusive, I had been not a whit the nearer satisfaction. For, to tell me of such a state, without an account of its nature, or the terms whereon it was attainable, was all one as if nothing had been said about it, and left my mind in equal confusion. Again, on a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but even then think them the better part of mankind; and my soul started at charging all the best of mankind with a lie in a thing of the greatest importance. On the other hand, God opened my eyes to see the unaccountable folly of those who had abandoned revealed religion. The scripture tells them plainly, they must do his will, if they would know whether the doctrine be of God. But they walk in a direct contradiction to his will; how then can they know of the doctrine? Nay, some sober, learned, and otherwise inquisitive persons, owned, that we are already miserable, if we are either cut off from the hopes of, or left at uncertainty about a future state of happiness. They owned likewise themselves to be thus uncertain, and yet were at little or no pains to be satisfied; yea, I found they rather sought for what might strengthen their doubts than remove them; which plainly shewed a hatred of the light.
6. I received further help from considering the lives, but more especially the deaths of the martyrs. When I considered the number, the quality, and all the circumstances of those who had been _tortured, not accepting deliverance_, I could not but own the finger of God, and the reality of religion. The known instances of its power over children in their tender years, appeared likewise of great weight; and I began to get frequent touches of conviction, whereby feeling the piercing virtue of his word, making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to own God to be in it of a truth. Lastly, I found a secret hope begot and cherished I know not how, sometimes even amidst the violence of temptations, that as God had delivered others from temptations like mine, (though I doubted, if ever any had been so much molested as I) so he would deliver me at length; that what I knew not now, I should know hereafter: that my mouth should yet be filled with his praise: and that Satan’s rage shewed his time was but short.
7. Hereby I was enabled, not only to persevere, and with more earnestness, both in public and private duties, but also carefully to conceal all my straits from others, who might have stumbled at, or been hardened by them. I was unwilling others should know any thing that might disgust them at religion; _Tell it not in_ Gath, _lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph_. *In converse with such as were shaken, I still stood for the truth, as if I had been under no doubt about it. And I must own, that while I did so, God often gave me both success with others, and satisfaction in my own mind. How good a master is God! A word spoken for him is not lost: nor will he suffer the least service to be in vain. A Heathen Cyrus, yea Nebuchadnezzar himself, shall not work without his reward.