I AM much obliged to you for your kind concern on my account. My illness I believe is rather troublesome than dangerous, a disorder in my stomach, which has been attended with a slight fever. I was ill, when you and Mr. **** were to see me though I did not complain, and I looked upon it as a particular blessing: for had my spirits been in their full flow, an event so much wished, would have too much elated me: but my disorder served to keep the balance of my mind even. I see the goodness of God to me in every thing, and therefore sickness or health, life or death are equally welcome to me, as coming from the same gracious hand. Nature, its true, shrinks at suffering, but grace triumphs in resignation, and is thankful for the dispensation of the present moment, without wishing or willing in regard to the future. But I hope to learn some lessons of this kind from you next Sunday. Till then farewell, and may the fulness of every gospel blessing rest upon your soul.
_Your’s_, &c.
****
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_Dear Sir_,
THE judgments of God upon _Lisbon_ are dreadful indeed. I know not what heart can be hard enough to hear of them without concern. What but the amazing mercy of a long-suffering God can prevent _London_ from feeling the same dreadful blow! And if God should arise to shake terribly our land, what great reason will those persons have to be thankful, whom God has drawn from all worldly schemes of happiness, and fixed their hearts on a basis, which can never be shaken, though the earth be moved, and the mountains cast into the midst of the sea? I have been much comforted in respect of the miseries of others by this scripture――_When the judgments of God are abroad in the earth, the inhabitants thereof will learn righteousness_. If such a blessed end is produced by these severe acts of justice, have we not reason even in the midst of terror to admire and adore? The whole universe appears to me to be in the hand of God, as a grain of dust in the balance; and I, a creature more insignificant, more worthless, and sinful than can be conceived, am among the rest in this almighty hand, and _all is safe_. My heart is by nature painfully tender, and yet in the midst of feeling, either for myself or others, there is a secret satisfaction in my inmost soul, that God is glorified in every act of his providence, whether of judgment or mercy; and I hardly know how to form any other prayer than _Thy will be done_.
I fear I shall not see you on Thursday;――――but wherever you are, may the God of all consolation be your light and your shield, and bring you safe to that city, which has eternal foundations.
_I am your ever-obliged friend and servant_, &c.
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*BY what you said to Mr. **** when he had the pleasure of hearing you, I imagine you think my illness is owing to a cause of which I am by no means certain; however the bare probability of such a charge would not be without my immediately reflecting on the dangers and temptations that would attend it. A soul, that is really desirous of attaining the _pure_ love of God, is exceedingly jealous of any thing that has a possibility of drawing it from its centre of happiness, and looks upon any event which has this possible tendency (let the world term it blessing or misfortune) with a tender, anxious fear, which none can understand but those who have felt it. This was my case, and my imagination would sometimes paint a thousand instances which _might_ draw my soul down to earth. And this fear (though it never made me wish any thing but what was the will of God) would bring the tears to my eyes, and cause an uneasiness, which doubtless proceeded from want of faith. But that God whose mercies are renewed every morning, soon delivered me from those fears, and calm peace, perfect resignation and watchfulness succeeded. And for this fortnight past, though I have been in continual uncertainty, whether I should continue in the condition I am thought to be in or not, my mind by the all-sufficient grace of God has been so equally kept, that I have not had the least wish or choice of my own, but have been equally pleased with whatever seemed to be the leadings of Providence concerning me. And you cannot think, what a work of annihilation this uncertainty has been the means of carrying on in my soul, which I see plainly in the nature of things could not so well have been effected by any other. I never can be enough thankful for the unspeakable mercies of God to so unworthy a creature. My will has been brought into deadness, which I, even a _few months_ ago, should have thought almost impossible; and I see, and have some foretastes of that state which is called the pure and disinterested love of God, in a manner I cannot express.