171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_; _you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was point blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick cloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, _Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_, _return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._