183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_, _the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_, _despised_, _and abused_. _This is the only Saviour_, _the only Redeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in your heart_, Let Him go, if He will. _Now_, _therefore_, _you are severed from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His goodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. _The dread of them was upon me_, _and I trembled at God’s Samuels_. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.
184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my loss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_, _He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my sin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_; _neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when He hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from heaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity me_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; _Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more dominion over Him_. Rom. vi. 9.