178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar_, _that he may die_; even as _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer_. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_ would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I have rejected them_. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, _Pray not for him_, _for I have rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: _Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues thereof_?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, _He thought so too_. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
[Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, _That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to displeasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we might be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_, _and who can turn Him_! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_. Acts iv. 12.