With some souls, it pleaseth our Lord to deal more gently, than with others; as (to mention no more examples) in the case of _Lydia_, and the _jaylor_, (Acts xvi.) The latter, trembling and terrified, _fell down_, prostrate, before _Paul_ and _Silas_, and said, in the utmost consternation, _What must I do to be saved!_ While the former, without any such previous terror, had her heart gently _opened to attend unto_, and receive the words of eternal life, _which were spoken of Paul_. And there are no doubt, thousands of resembling instances at this day.
But in general, it may be observed, that with regard to those, whom God intends for the service of other souls, he gives them to feel, as they are able to bear, the uttermost of their nature’s death; the bitterness and desert of the sin that dwells in the heart, as well as the wicked works of their life, before he shews them his salvation; that being feelingly acquainted with the evil nature of sin, and the wretchedness of an unregenerate state, they may be the better capable of sympathizing with, and counselling others in like circumstances; and be quickened in their endeavours of saving souls from death.
But in _all_ who are begetting again to newness of life, there is a deep consciousness of want. And there never has been an instance of true conversion among grown persons, where the soul did not previously feel its poverty, guilt, or danger, in a greater or less degree. Our Saviour heals none who have not a _feeling_ want, producing earnest desires of being healed. It is the _weary_ and the _heavy laden_, whom he calls to come to him, that they may find rest to their souls. He is the _living bread_, and _the water of life_, for which, only awakened souls hunger and thirst, and with which alone, they can be satisfied.
Having mentioned St. _Austin_, with reference to the usual manner of our Lord’s dealing with souls, intended for the service of others; and considering the resemblance, which in some parts of his experience, there is, with the experience of him before us, I persuade myself it will not be unacceptable to some readers, to subjoin a short account of the travail of his soul, above fourteen hundred years ago, in his own words.
“Thou, O Lord, didst turn me about towards myself; and tookest me from behind my back, where I had placed me, whilst I had no mind to observe myself, that I might see how deformed a thing I was; covered over with scabs and ulcers: and I beheld, and abhorred.――But I, then a wretched young man, had in the first dawning of my youth, begged of thee chastity; and had said, _Give me chastity; but yet awhile do not give it_. For I feared thou shouldst hear me too soon, and presently heal me of that disease and concupiscence which I wished, rather might be satiated than extinguished.――But now was the day come, in which I was laid naked to myself, and my conscience began to reproach me.――――I was inwardly corroded, and extremely confounded.”
“――Amidst this great controversy within, which I hotly disputed with my soul, troubled as well in countenance as in mind,――my eyes, forehead, cheeks, colour, the accent of my voice more spoke my passion than words could.――There was a little garden belonging to my lodging, which I had the use of. Thither this tumult in my breast carried me away, where none might hinder the hot contention which was engaged within me, until concluded in that issue, which thou already knewest, but not I. Only I was in suffering a death that would beget life: well knowing what evil I then was; not knowing what good, within a little while, I was to be.――I fretted my spirit, whilst all my bones cried out.――――From whence such a monster? Let thy mercy enlighten me, and let me enquire, Whence such a monster? and how can this be?――――”
“Thus I was accusing myself much more severely than formerly, and winding to and fro in my chain; a small piece only of which now held me; yet held me still. And thou, O Lord, pressedst sore upon me in mine inner parts, with a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame.――And the point of time, in which I was to become another man, as it approached nearer, struck me with more horror. Yet it did not make me to recoil, or turn away; but only to stand in a suspense.”