_Giving a farther account of the state of his soul, particularly of his deep convictions._
GOD had, by this time, made plain his way before his face. His holy word had fully informed his understanding, how a sinner can find favour with God. His scruples were all removed, and he wanted only the possession of what he saw as at a distance; to _know_, by experience, _the certainty of those things wherein he had been instructed_.
His soul reached out with vehemency of desire to the _mark of the prize of_ his _high calling_. But yet he could not _lay hold on the hope set before_ him. He could not break the bondage of unbelief, of which he was now deeply convinced, and under which he groaned continually. In short, he felt what cannot be easily explained: the sorrows and strugglings, as well as joys, of the truly regenerate, being of such a nature, that strangers to that happy change can have very imperfect conceptions of. (1 Chronicles ii. 11.)
*He particularly describes the manner, in which he perceived himself wrought upon, as follows,
“1st. The Lord convinced me of my bosom sin, that which did most easily beset me; representing the heinousness of it in various circumstances.”
“2dly. All my other abominations: sins in general, of omission, and commission were set in array before me, as an army ready to devour me; or, as so many devils ready to tear me in pieces. God wrote them down in large characters, so that I might well say, _My sins were ever before me_.”
“3dly. I was clearly convinced, that not only my sins, but likewise what I called my duties, were an abomination unto the Lord. My _righteousness_ appeared _as filthy rags_. The _corrupt tree could not bring forth good fruit_.”
“4thly. The same spirit convinced me, that I was an unbeliever; that I had not true faith, and therefore no part nor lot in the Lord Jesus Christ. As an unbeliever I was _condemned already, and the wrath of God abode upon_ me, (John iii.) I assented indeed to every thing revealed in the bible; yet I now clearly perceived, I lacked the very true, Christian faith. I learned from the _Methodists_, so called, and had it confirmed to me by the New Testament, that whosoever has true faith, has with it the remission of sins,¹ and is at peace with God. I read, that _whosoever believeth, is born of_ God; and _he that is born of_ God _sinneth not_:² but I sinned, and thence inferred, I had not faith, neither was _born of_ God.”
¹ ♦Romans iv. 5. and v. 1. and viii. 1. John iii. 18. Acts. xiii. 39. 1 John v. 10.
² 1 John iii. 9. and v. 1.
♦ Arabic chapter numbers replaced with Roman numerals for consistency.
“5thly. I was deeply convinced, that I could not help myself; that I was utterly unable to work, either repentance, faith or holiness in my own soul, and that it was by grace alone I could be saved.”
“6thly. I was without comfort, and miserable. My soul was grieved, and my heart fainted within me. I found labour and sorrow beyond expression. Worldly comforts availed nought. I had no rest night or day. When I prayed I was troubled; when I heard a sermon, I was pierced as with darts and arrows. Whenever I either read or conversed, still I was broken and bruised in heart. Thus was I stripped of all, and wretched, and blind and naked; having neither faith nor power, holiness nor happiness. Truly there was no sound part in me. All was _wounds and bruises, and putrifying sores_. Often I could neither sleep nor eat. The affliction of my soul so affected my body, that at length I was obliged to take to my bed.”
“7thly. I saw by the same light of the holy Spirit, the ground of all this, namely, _Original sin_. This I felt was the source of all my misery and helplessness. _By one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin, and so death passed upon all, for that all have sinned._¹ Here I saw the root of all evil. Hence are we _children of wrath_; banished from God, and the tree of life.”
¹ Romans v. 12.
This was his state about the year 1749. And in substance, I believe (tho’ all do not so circumstantially attend to it) this agrees with the experience of most of the children of God.
One would not however attempt to fix a determinate point: making the progress of the work of God in one, or a thousand persons, a standard by which to judge of the genuineness of the experience of others. _There are diversities of operations by the same spirit. But it is the same God, who worketh all in all._