Thus we hear one, in his last sickness saying, “I am by the wonderful mercy of God, as full of comfort as my heart can hold, I feel nothing in my soul but Christ, with whom I heartily desire to be.” Another, “I am like a bird upon the wing, and would fain be at _Immanuel_’s land, where the tree of life is. Here I am a weak man, in the hands of the king of terrors, rejoicing in hope of the glory that shall be revealed; and that by the death and resurrection of a despised Christ. All these soft clothes are like sack cloth, and yet I have perfect rest of spirit.” Another, “O how does the love of God wipe off all pain! The servants of God suffer nothing. Their trials are but for a moment; their joys are eternal!” Ten thousand instances of this sort might be alledged, in the present generation (to look no farther)――――Persons who throughout a course of pains and wants, evidenced the ♦glorious conquest which faith gives over all our enemies, and over death, the last of all.
♦ “victorious” replaced with “glorious” per Errata
There have been those on the other hand, who after a course of useful and holy living; of eminency in wisdom, and in favour with God, have nevertheless, towards the setting of their sun, wanted those joyous beams of triumphant light and life; and who approached their seat of repose with many tears and sighs; with shame, and confusion, and hopes, and dependence; and even at the last, left nothing particularly memorable, for the discourse, and joy of the survivors;¹ but who notwithstanding, have attained their wished-for port, and enjoy the pleasures of those peaceful mansions! _John xiv. 2._
¹ St. _Austin_ is said to have had the penitential psalms wrote in large characters, and pinned to the inside of the curtains of his dying bed, desiring to die as he repeated them with weeping.
Bishop _Usher_ followed the same example and prayed earnestly to God, to pardon his sins of omission.
“Where conflicts past, redouble present joys!”
Diversity of complexions, different periods of grace, or divine dispensations; with a thousand particulars known best to God, may be taken into consideration, in attempting to account for this difference in the divine disposals concerning his servants. But I forbear attempting to solve, that of which I am free to profess my ignorance: and wait for that light, which will infallibly
―――throw full day on darkest scenes of time.
It may be farther observed concerning this servant of God, that although his comforts had been exceeding great throughout most part of his experience, yet he had frequent and violent encounters with the enemy: so that sometimes we find in the same paragraph, acknowledgments of the great joy and peace which he felt, and complainings of grievous temptations and trials. Take an instance or two among a thousand, in his own words.
“I found in retirement sore struggles and deep consolation.” And again, although love and joy lived and flowed in me, yet I wept and made supplication, being strongly tempted of the devil. Ah, Lord! Thou knowest my state, and trials! And my groanings are not hid from thee! What conflicts with myself do I daily feel!
Some are tempted most in the beginning of their conversion, some towards the latter end, and others there are, who are sorely tempted throughout their whole life. The latter was his case. But now especially, his natural faculties weakning in proportion to the decay of his bodily strength, rendered him the fitter mark for Satan, to attack with his last and most violent assaults, which therefore he plyed to purpose. He could not however make him let go his integrity: nor did he alter his sentiments, concerning any point of Christian doctrine, or retract any thing he had formerly said relating thereto. And as to the course of his most secret walking, altho’ on the whole, he saw nothing whereof to glory in himself before God; but rather was continually filled with holy shame and deep abasements, at the disparity which he still perceived between himself and his holy Lord; yet there was no particular sin since his conversion, with the cherishing of which he could charge himself. To which may be added, that in the midst of this _hour and power of darkness_, he never once charged God foolishly; but on the contrary he sought to him with groans, and tears, and cries, without ceasing!