In the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God one sabbath-day morning, as I was walking out for secret duties, to give me on a sudden, such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood amazed, and was much distressed all that day, fearing the vengeance of God would soon overtake me. I kept much alone, and sometimes grudged the birds and beasts their happiness, because they were not exposed to eternal misery, as I saw I was. And thus I lived from day to day, in great distress: sometimes there appeared mountains before me to obstruct my hopes of mercy; I used, however to pray and cry to God, and perform other duties with great earnestness.
In February, 1738‒9, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer, and spent the day in almost incessant cries to God, that he would open my eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ. And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me, and to shew me my _helplessness_. I constantly strove after whatever _qualifications_ I imagined others obtained before the reception of Christ. Sometimes I felt the power of an _hard heart_, and supposed it must be _softened_ before Christ would accept of me; and when I felt any meltings of heart, I hoped now the work was almost done; and hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to murmur at God’s dealings with me.
*Sometimes I grew _remiss_ without any great convictions for a considerable time together; but after such a season, convictions seized me more violently. One night in particular, when I was walking solitarily abroad, I had such a view of my sin, that I feared the ground would cleave asunder, and send my soul quick into hell. And though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered by others; yet I scarce durst sleep at all, for I thought it would be a great wonder, if I should be out of hell in the morning. But though my distress was thus great, yet I dreaded the loss of convictions, and returning back to my former insensibility; which made me exceeding exact in my behaviour, lest I should stifle the motions of God’s spirit.
The many distresses I met with, put me into a most _horrible contesting_ with the Almighty: with an inward vehemence, finding fault with his ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam’s sin to his posterity; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation, than by Jesus Christ. I wished sometimes there was no God, or that there were some other God that could controul him. These thoughts frequently passed before I was aware; but, when I considered this, it distressed me, to think, that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest God’s vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before, to imagine my heart was not so bad, as the scriptures represented. Sometimes I used to take much pains to bring it into an humble submissive disposition; but on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruption of my heart, that it would break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods of waters when they break down their damm.
While I was in this distressed state, the _corruption_ of my heart was especially _irritated_ by these things following,
1. The _strictness_ of the divine _law_. For I found it was impossible for me (after my utmost pains) to answer the demands of it. I often made resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for my negligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greater endeavours, fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail, then I quarrelled with the law of God, as unreasonably rigid. I thought, if it extended only to my outward actions, I could bear with it; but I found it condemned me for the sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent. I was extremely loath to give out, and own my utter helplessness; but after repeated disappointments, thought that, rather than perish, I could do a little more still, especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my endeavours; I hoped, that I should strive more earnestly than ever: and this hope of future more favourable circumstances, and of doing something hereafter, kept me from utter despair of myself, and from seeing myself fallen into the hands of God, and dependent on nothing but boundless grace.