_From the time that he began to devote himself to the_ study of divinity, _till he was examined and licensed to_ preach.
[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with the Rev. Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach.]――The following account is in his own words.
Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it. “Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on God for the being and every act of grace.
*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, if _Jesus_ does but come _♦walking on the seas_!――Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ _me_ in that work;――but now my soul more frequently desires to die, _to be with Christ_. O that my soul were wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!
♦ “walk-on” replaced with “walking on”
Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!
*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.――Alas! my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again. “O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”
*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness.――And I could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.――Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.――I felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.――It is impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.
Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.――Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me: I look so myself.
Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presence of God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy, return.
Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the happy day!――After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.――In the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.
*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter _when_, nor _where_, nor _how_ Christ should send me, nor what trials he should exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little before I met with my great trial at college; every thing appeared full of the wisdom of God.
Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.