Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing but _himself_, nothing but _holiness_; that _he_ had given me these desires, and he _only_ could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.――I feel differently now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged to _live to God_ for ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!
Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for the _ministry_, I set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near; once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls, my _heart_ seemed to be _opened_ at once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency.
*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold services to the _living God_! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!
Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be holy, and reached after God; I _hungered_ and _thirsted_; but was not satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow in grace more abundantly every day!
Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will; enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!
Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.” Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen, which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent the day _in the bitterness of my soul_. Near night I enjoyed some sweetness in prayer.
Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go to _him_ at all times, and find him a _present help_.
Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret: God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my weary _pilgrimage_ would be _short_; that it would not be long before I was brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt pleased, to be _little_, to be _nothing_, and to _lie in the dust_. I enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly Amen.”
Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from the _world_, perfect deadness to it, and to be _crucified_ to all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself a _pilgrim_ and _stranger_ here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.
*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such a _dead dog_ as I; and was sensible, how exceeding vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.