Wednesday, October 28. I was not a little concerned about preaching in the afternoon: felt exceedingly _without strength_, went into the house, ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch. However God enabled me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency.
Thursday, November 4. [At Lebanon] I was concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is sweet _lying in the dust_! But it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of corruption.――In the afternoon I had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and felt a pleasing yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments _without God_. O may I always _live to God_!――In the evening I felt an intense desire to spend every moment for God.――God is unspeakably gracious to me continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of duty; frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but has been ready to say, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and so to indulge sloth. But of late God has been pleased to keep my soul _hungry_, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I feel ashamed and guilty _before God_. Oh! I see, “the law is spiritual, but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness! Oh for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied, when I awake in God’s likeness,” (_Psalms xxvii. ultima_) but never, never before: and consequently I am engaged to “press towards the mark,” day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather be animated by every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment of the heavenly inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey.
Lord’s day, November 7, it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy.” At noon I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that is THE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me to _press after God_ for ever.
Monday, November 18. I longed for an arrival in the _heavenly country_, the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce seen the day, for two months, but _death_ has looked so pleasant to me, that I could have rejoiced the _present_ should be my _last_; and I trust that I shall be able to say, “O death, where is thy sting!” and, “O grave, where is thy victory!”
Friday, November 19. [At New-Haven] I received a letter from the Rev. Mr. Pemberton of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult about the Indian affairs, and to meet certain gentlemen there that were intrusted with them. I retired with two or three friends, and prayed; and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God.
Wednesday, November 24. I came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to God; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.
Thursday, November 25. I spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined by some gentlemen of my Christian experience, and my acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen¹: was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service: *I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had: I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my heart, that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart!――And in this depressed condition, I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but I felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was almost overcome with it: my soul was grieved for the congregation, that they should sit there to hear such a _dead dog_ as I preach; I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would reward them with his grace.
¹ These gentlemen that examined Mr. Brainerd, were the correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.