_From the time of his being appointed_ Missionary, _to his entrance on his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek_.
FRIDAY, November 26. I had still a sense of my own vileness, and endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. O what a nothing, what dust and ashes am I!――I enjoyed some comfort in spreading my complaints before God.
Saturday, November 27. I committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well love all my brethren; for none of them all is as vile as I; whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much inward sin. O my leanness, my barrenness, my past bitterness, and want of a gospel-temper!
Wednesday, December 1. My soul breathed after God in longing desires of conformity to him: my soul was brought to rest itself, on his rich grace, and felt strength to do or suffer any thing that divine Providence should allot me.
[Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey from Newton to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days returned again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury.]
Saturday, December 11. I conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of giving a liberal education, that he might be fitted for the gospel ministry. I acquainted him with my thoughts, and left him to consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, to Mr. Bellamy’s lodgings; and spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer.
Lord’s day, December 12. I felt a distressing need of divine help; I went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and sermon: I think, my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world, nor were my devotions ever so much refined, I preached with some sweetness, from Matthew vi. 33. Blessed be God, I have reason to think, that my religion is become more spiritual, by means of my late inward conflicts. May I always be willing that God should use his own methods with me!――I felt much of the sweetness of religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper: I found a dear love to all mankind, and I was afraid of scarcely any thing so much as lest some motion of anger or resentment should, some time or other, creep into my heart.
Tuesday, December 21. I rode over to Derby, and preached; it pleased God to give me sweet assistance, and to enable me to speak with a soft and tender power and energy.――We had afterwards a comfortable evening in singing and prayer; God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality and sweetness as I have done for some time; my mind seemed to be unclothed of sense and imagination and was in a measure let into the world of spirits. This day was, I trust made profitable to a number of us, to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to God: the glory be to him for ever. Amen. How blessed it is to grow more and more like God!
Lord’s day, December 26. I felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer, my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies, and I was enabled to pray for those that are strangers to God with a degree of softness and pathetic fervour.
Monday, December 27. I enjoyed a precious season; I had a sweet sense of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In the evening I preached with much freedom, power and pungency. O the tenderness I felt in my soul! Blessed be my God I have seldom enjoyed a more ♦comfortable and profitable day than this. O that I could spend all my time for God!
♦ “comforable” replaced with “comfortable”
Friday, January 14, 1742‒3. My spiritual conflicts were unspeakably dreadful, heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods: I seemed inclosed as it were, in hell itself: I was deprived of all sense of God, even of the being of a God; and that was my misery. *This was distress the nearest a-kin to the damned’s torments that I ever endured: their torments, I am sure will consist much in the privation of God, and consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute dependance of a creature upon the Creator, for every crumb of happiness it enjoys. Oh! I feel that if there is no God, though I might live for ever here, and enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand times more miserable than a toad. My soul was in such anguish I could not eat, but felt as I supposed a poor wretch would, that is just going to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish, when I saw people gathering together to hear me preach. However, I went to the house of God, and he was pleased to give me freedom and enlargement, and I spent the evening comfortably.