*Lord’s day, January 23. I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist, as now: I saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I am going; I thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and much more to have any respect shewn me. Indeed I felt myself banished from the earth, as if all places were too good for such a wretch as I: I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa; I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor earth.――――None knows, but those that feel it, what the soul endures that is sensibly shut out from the presence of God; alas it is more bitter than death.
Wednesday, January 26. I preached to a pretty large assembly; insisted on humility, and stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that through humility we should prefer one another in love. I felt sweetly calm, and full of brotherly love, never more free from party spirit. I hope some good will follow, that Christians will be freed from party zeal and censuring one another.
[On Thursday, after a considerable time spent in prayer and Christian conversation, he rode to New-London.]
*Friday, January 28. Here I found some carried away with a false zeal and bitterness. Oh, the want of a gospel-temper is greatly to be lamented. I spent the evening in conversing with some about some points of conduct in both ministers and private Christians; but did not agree with them: God had not _taught them with briars and thorns_ to be of a kind disposition toward mankind.
Wednesday, February 2. I preached my farewell-sermon, at the house of an aged man, who had been unable to attend on the public worship for some time; and this morning spent the time in prayer. Having taken leave of my friends, I set out on my journey towards the Indians; though by the way I was to spend some time at East-Hampton on Long-Island; and being accompanied by a messenger from East-Hampton, we travelled to Lyme. On the road I felt an uncommon pressure of mind: I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure here below, and seemed loth to give up all; I saw I was throwing myself into all hardships and distresses: I thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the grave; but yet I chose to go, rather than stay.――I came to Lyme that night.
[He waited the two next days for a passage over the sound, and spent much of the time in inward conflicts.
On Saturday he crossed the Sound, landed on Long-Island, and travelled to East-Hampton, and the seven following days he spent there, for the most part, under extreme dejection of mind.]
Lord’s-day, February 13. I was under great discouragement; knew not how it was possible for me to preach, and was ready to give up all! But God was pleased to assist me. In the evening, my heart was sweetly drawn out after God, and devoted to him.
Tuesday, February 15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards I walked into a neighbouring grove, and felt more a stranger on earth than ever; as dead to the enjoyments of the world, as if I had been dead in a natural sense.――In the evening I had sweetness in secret duty: God was then my portion, and my soul rose above those _deep waters_, into which I have sunk so low of late.
Thursday, February 17. I preached this day at a little village; and God was pleased to give me his gracious assistance, so that I spake with freedom, boldness, and power. *In the evening, I spent some time with a dear Christian friend; felt as on the brink of eternity; my soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing before the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend, and discoursed with the utmost solemnity. And truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself.
Friday, February 18. I felt sweetly most of the day, and found access to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of composure while I am in the field of battle. O that I might be serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! O, I long to _live to God_!
[During the next fortnight, he, for the most part, enjoyed much peace and comfort. And this space of time was filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer, meditation, preaching, and private instructing and counselling.]