♦*Thursday, May 22. In the evening I was in a frame somewhat remarkable: I had apprehended for several days, that it was a design of providence I should _settle_ among my people; and had in my own mind began to make provision for it: and yet was never quite pleased with the thoughts of being confined to one place. Nevertheless I seemed to have some freedom, because the congregation was one that God had enabled me to gather from among Pagans. For I never could feel any freedom to “enter into other men’s labour,” and settle where the “gospel was preached before;” God has never given me any liberty in that respect, either since or for some years before I began to preach. But God having succeeded my labours, in gathering a church among these Indians, I was ready to think, it might be his design to give me a quiet settlement. And this, considering the late frequent failure of my spirits, and the need I stood in of some agreeable society, and my great desire of enjoying conveniencies for profitable studies, was not altogether disagreeable to me. And although I still wanted to go about far and wide, in order to spread the blessed gospel among benighted souls: yet I never had been so willing to settle for more than five years past, as I was in the foregoing part of this week. But now these thoughts seemed to be wholly dashed to pieces; not by necessity, but of choice: for it appeared to me, that God’s dealings towards me had fitted me for a life of solitariness and hardship; it appeared to me I had nothing to do with earth, and consequently nothing to lose, by a total renunciation of it: and it appeared just right, that I should be destitute of house and home, and many comforts, which I rejoiced to see others of God’s people enjoy. The same time I saw so much the excellency of Christ’s kingdom, and the infinite desirableness of its advancement in the world, that it swallowed up all my other thoughts; and made me willing to be a pilgrim or hermit in the wilderness, to my dying moment, if I might thereby promote the blessed interest of the great Redeemer. And if ever my soul presented itself to God for his service, without any reserve of any kind, it did so now. The language of my thoughts (although I spake no words) now was, “_Here I am, Lord, send me_: send me to _the ends of the earth_; send me to the rough, the savage Pagans of the wilderness; send me from all that is called comfort in earth! send me even to death itself, if it be but in thy service, and to promote thy kingdom.” And at the same time I had as quick and lively a sense of the value of worldly comforts, as ever I had; but saw them infinitely overmatched by the worth of Christ’s kingdom, and the propagation of his blessed gospel. The quiet settlement, the certain place of abode, the tender friendship, which I thought I might be likely to enjoy, appeared as valuable to me, considered absolutely, as ever before: but considered comparatively, they appeared nothing; compared with an enlargement of Christ’s kingdom, they vanished like the stars before the rising sun. And the comfortable accommodations of life appeared valuable, yet I did surrender myself, soul and body, to the service of God, and promotion of Christ’s kingdom; though it should be in the loss of them all. I was constrained, and yet chose to say, “Farewell, friends and earthly comforts, the dearest of them all, if the Lord calls for it; adieu, adieu; I’ll spend my life to my latest moments, _in caves and dens of the earth_, if the kingdom of Christ may thereby be advanced.” I found extraordinary freedom at this time in pouring out my soul to God, for his cause; and especially that his kingdom might be extended among the Indians; and I had a strong hope that God would do it. I continued wrestling with God in prayer for my dear little flock here; and more especially for the Indians elsewhere; as well as for dear friends in one place and another; till it was bed-time, and I feared I should hinder the family. But Oh, with what reluctancy did I find myself obliged to consume time in sleep! I longed to be as a _flame of fire_, continually glowing in the divine service, preaching and building up Christ’s kingdom, to my latest, my dying moment.
♦ asterisk added per Errata