_After his return from his last journey to Susquahannah, until his_ death.
[HITHERTO Mr. Brainerd had kept a constant _diary_, giving an account of what passed from day to day: but henceforward his diary is much interrupted by his illness; under which he was often brought so low, as not to be able to ♦recollect in the evening, what had passed in the day, and set down an orderly account of it in writing. However he took some notice of the most material things concerning himself, ’till within a few days of his death.]
♦ “recolect” replaced with “recollect”
*Lord’s-day, September 21, 1746. I was so weak I could not preach, nor ride over to my people in the forenoon. In the afternoon I rode out; sat in my chair, and discoursed to my people from Romans xiv. 7, 8. I was ♦strengthened in my discourse; and there appeared something agreeable in the assembly. I returned to my lodgings extremely tired; but thankful, that I had been enabled to speak a word to my poor people. I was able to sleep little, through weariness and pain. Oh, how blessed should I be, if the little I do, were all done with right views!
♦ “strenghened” replaced with “strengthened”
Saturday, September 27. I spent this as the week past, under a great degree of bodily weakness, exercised with a violent cough, and a considerable fever; had no appetite to any kind of food; and frequently brought up what I ate, as soon as it was down: I was able, however, to ride over to my people, about two miles, every day, and take some care of those who were then at work upon a small house for me to reside in amongst the Indians¹. I was sometimes scarce able to walk, and never able to sit up the whole day. Yet I was calm and composed, and but little exercised with melancholy, as in former seasons. It was many times a comfort to me, that _life_ and _death_ did not depend upon my choice. I was pleased to think, that he who is infinitely wise, had the determination of this matter; and that I had no trouble, to consider and weigh things upon all sides, in order to make the choice, whether I would live or die. I could with great composure look _death_ in the face, and frequently with sensible joy. Oh, how blessed it is, to be _habitually prepared_ for death! The Lord grant, that I may be _actually ready also_!
¹ _This was the |fourth| house he built for his residence among the Indians._
Lord’s day, September 28. I rode to my people; and, though under much weakness, discoursed about half an hour; at which season divine power seemed to attend the word; but being extreme weak, I was obliged to desist; and after a turn of faintness, with much difficulty rode to my lodgings, where betaking myself to my bed, I lay in a burning fever, and almost delirious, for several hours, till towards morning, my fever went off with a violent sweat. I have often been feverish after preaching: but this was the most distressing turn, that ever preaching brought upon me. Yet I felt perfectly at rest in my own mind, because I had made my utmost attempts to speak for God.
Tuesday, September 30. Yesterday and to-day I was scarce able to sit up half the day. But ♦I was in a composed frame remarkably free from dejection and melancholy; as God has been pleased to deliver me from these unhappy glooms, in the general course of my present weakness, and also from a peevish spirit. Oh that I may always be able to say, “Lord, not my will, but thine be done!”
♦ “I” replaced with “I was” and 2nd “was” deleted per Errata