In the latter end of December, I grew still weaker, and continued to do so, till the latter end of January 1746‒7. And having a violent cough, a considerable fever, and no appetite for any manner of food, I was reduced to so low a state, that my friends generally despaired of my life; and for some time together, thought I could scarce live a day to an end.
On Lord’s-day, February 1. “If ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the holy Spirit to them that ask him?” This text I was helped to plead, and saw the divine faithfulness engaged for dealing with me better than any earthly parent can do with his child. This season so refreshed my soul, that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it. And from this time, I began gradually to amend. And as I recovered some strength, vigour, and spirit, I found at times some life in the exercises of devotion, and longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness.
On Tuesday, February 24. I was able to ride as far as Newark, (having been confined within Elisabeth-Town almost four months,) and the next day returned to Elisabeth-Town. My spirits were somewhat refreshed with the ride, though my body was weary.
On Saturday, February 28. I was visited by an Indian of my own congregation, who brought me letters, and good news of the behaviour of my people in general. This refreshed my soul, I could not but retire and bless God for his goodness.
Wednesday, March 11, being kept in Elisabeth-Town ♦as a day of fasting and prayer, I was able to attend public worship, which was the first time since December 21. Oh, how much distress did God carry me through in this space of time! But having obtained help from him, I yet live: Oh that I could live to his glory!
♦ “at” replaced with “as”
Thursday, March 18. I rode to my people: and on Friday morning walked about among them and inquired into their state and concerns; and found an additional weight on my spirits upon hearing some things disagreeable. I endeavoured to go to God with my distresses: but notwithstanding, my mind continued very gloomy. About ten o’clock, I called my people together, and after having explained and sung a psalm, I prayed with them. There was a considerable deal of affection among them; I doubt not, that which was more than merely natural.
[This was the _last interview_ that he ever had with his people. About eleven o’clock the same day, he left them: and the next day came to Elisabeth-Town.]
Saturday, March 28. I was taken this morning with a violent griping. These pains were extreme and constant, for several hours: so that it seemed impossible for me, without a miracle, to live twenty-four hours. I lay confined to my bed, the whole day: but it pleased God to bless means for the abatement of my distress. I was exceedingly weakened by this pain, and continued so for several days following. In this distressed case, _death_ appeared agreeable to me: as an entrance into a place “where the weary are at rest;” and, I had some relish of the entertainments of the heavenly state; so that by these I was allured and drawn, as well as driven by the fatigues of life. Oh, how happy it is, to be drawn by desires of a state of perfect holiness!
Saturday, April 4. I was uneasy, by reason of the misemployment of time: and yet knew not what to do: I longed to spend time in fasting and prayer; but alas, I had not bodily strength! Oh, how blessed a thing is it, to enjoy peace of conscience! How dreadful is a want of inward peace! It is impossible, I find, to enjoy this happiness without _redeeming time_, and maintaining a spiritual frame of mind.
Lord’s-day, April 5. It grieved me, to find myself so inconceivably barren. My soul thirsted for grace; but, alas, how far was I from obtaining what I saw so excellent! I was ready to despair of ever being holy; and yet my soul was desirous of _following hard after God_; but never did I see myself so far from _having apprehended, or being already perfect_. The Lord’s supper being this day administered, in the season of communion, I enjoyed warmth of affection, and felt a tender _love to the brethren_; and, to the glorious Redeemer, the _first-born_ among them. I endeavoured then to _bring forth_ mine and _his enemies_, and _slay them before him_; and found great freedom in begging deliverance from this spiritual death, as well as in asking favours for my friends and congregation, and the church of Christ in general.
Friday, April 17. In the evening, God helped me to “draw near to the throne of grace,” and gave me a sense of his favour, which gave me inexpressible support and encouragement; I could not but rejoice, that ever God should discover his reconciled face to such a vile sinner. Shame and confusion, at times, covered me; and then hope, and joy, and admiration of the divine goodness.
Tuesday, April 21. I set out on my journey for New-England; I travelled to New-York, and there lodged.