Yet she was exceedingly concerned for her mother, lest she should not freely give her up to God. Her mother was asked, Whether she could or no? She answered, “Since it is the will of God to take her, I do give her up freely.” And this reply gave her entire satisfaction.
The day before she died, the thought of being for ever with the Lord, was transporting to her soul. But she said to her mother, “I charge you when I am dead, let none of the wicked come into the room. Let it be filled with those that fear God; and while they are singing the praises of God below, I shall be singing them above.”
About three in the morning she said earnestly, “O precious Christ! O precious Christ!” These were her last words: but she still expressed her happiness, sometimes by lifting her eyes towards heaven, and sometimes by looking pleasantly on those about her, till her sight failed, and her spirit went up to God.
Some years before she died, she now and then wrote down a little of her experience. I believe these accounts, imperfect as they are, will be acceptable to the pious reader.
“April 10, 1764. The Lord has blessed me in a wonderful manner. Glory and praise to his great name! O that thy praise may dwell on my heart! O my Lord, enable the unworthiest of thy servants, to give thee thanks for thy unspeakable love! O that I could invite all to taste and see how good thou art, how full of truth and grace! O thou unexhausted fountain of love, enable me every moment to cast myself upon thee, and to receive out of thy _fulness grace for grace_.”
I continued thus for five days, yet with many wanderings from my God: but I had this cry in my heart, Dear Lord, deliver me from a heart so prone to wander from thee!
Tuesday, May 22. As I was at my work, these words came to my heart with power, _I will take away the heart of stone, and will give thee an heart of flesh_. I was lost in wonder, yet found unbelief till those words were spoke to my heart, _Ye are clean through the word I have spoken_. I found a change in myself from that moment, and could say, I love thee with every faculty of my soul. Truly I can say, that God is love! And that he delights to do his needy creatures good.
September 14, 1765. I had a greater desire than usual to retire from the world: yea even from the converse of the holiest Christians, to wait upon God alone. I wanted to have a closer acquaintance with the blessed Jesus. Happy he that can go to God at any time, praying to him with faith and fervency. My God, all my soul cries aloud for more of thy light and love! O my Lord, manifest thyself in me more fully! None living has greater cause to love and serve thee.
Sunday 15. The sermon at church caused some heaviness; but I was refreshed at the Lord’s table. O Jesus, assist me to look through every means, to thee, the fountain of life and love!
Monday 16. The sermon was as marrow and fatness to my soul. I did truly _wait upon_ God. I have been happy this whole day: Jesus has been precious to me. I found him in every means of grace: he is near me in every time of need. I see much of my helplessness and weakness.
Every moment, Lord, I want The merit of thy death.
Tuesday 17. I have found this day, most comfortable communion with Jesus, and free access to the throne of grace. Yet I have been greatly tempted: but the Lord stood by me, and made a way for me to escape. I want to be all attention to his voice, and to be more dead to the things of time and sense: let me have no will, O Jesus, but thine! Let thy will be done in me and by me!
Wednesday 18. This morning I was so stupid I could hardly pray: but thou art not extreme to mark what is amiss. All the day I was much hurried in business, and could not attend the public means of grace. But in the evening he made up the want, giving me free access to him in prayer: and therein he graciously refreshed my poor drooping soul. O my God, let the fire of thy love burn up whatever is not agreeable to thee. And let such a sense of thy free, unmerited love rest on me, as may keep me ever low at thy bleeding feet!
Thursday 19. This whole day, though much employed in my business, the Lord stood by me, and enabled me to look to him. In the evening he made a way for me to hear his word, and I found it good to wait upon him. He does fulfil his word, _They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall run and not be weary; shall walk and not faint._
I daily see my unprofitableness. My short-comings are many; yet he freely pardons: I see that my strength is perfect weakness; that if Jesus left me a moment, I should fall. And we cannot be any otherwise saved, than by a constant looking to him. O Jesus keep my eye fixed on thee, till I am looked into all thy lovely likeness.
Friday 20. I found much of the goodness of the Lord. I want to love him more, that I may serve him better. I do not love or praise him as I would: but he does _not despise the day of small things_.