For many days and months she walked on still in darkness, and had no light, but _against hope believed in hope_; staggering oftentimes, but not falling through unbelief. Still she bore up under her continual fears of being a castaway. She waited in a constant use of all the means of grace; never missed the communion, or hearing the word, though all was torment to her, for she never found benefit; nothing she said, affected her, there was none so wicked as her. I am a witness to her many complaints and wailings. Yet she persisted with a glorious obstinacy; and _followed on to know the Lord, walking in all his commandments and ordinances blameless_. She went on steadily in the way of her duty, never intermitting it on account of her inward conflicts. Not slothful in business, but working almost continually with her own hands. Most strict was she, and unblameable in all her relative duties, and in all manner of conversation. Those who lived with her never heard a light and trifling word come out of her mouth. She did not sit _still_, till she should be pure in heart, but redeemed the time, and bought up every opportunity of doing good. To do good she never forgot, but spoke to all, and warned all, both children and grown persons, as God delivered them into her hands. She was exceeding tender-hearted towards the sick, whether in body or soul. She could not _rejoice with those that rejoiced_, but she _wept with those that wept_, and encouraged them to wait upon God, to be never weary of well-doing; for in the end said she, they would reap, if they fainted not.
*See here a pattern of true mourning! A spectacle for men and angels! A soul standing up under the intolerable weight of original sin! Troubled on every side! perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted by sin, the world, and the devil, but not forsaken; cast out, but not destroyed; walking on as evenly under that load of darkness, as if she had been in the broad light of God’s countenance. Whosoever thou art that seekest Christ sorrowing, _go thou and do likewise_.
In this agony she continued, till it pleased God to visit her with her last sickness. For the two or three first days, she could not be kept from the word, but was then constrained to take her bed. She had early notice of her departure, and told one of her band, that she should not recover. She had express’d great earnestness to see me, but I could not visit her ’till the Thursday following. I then found her, to her own sense and feeling, in utter despair. “I am dying, (she cried) without pardon, without a Saviour, without hope.” I prayed in full assurance of faith, and then testified the love of Christ to her, a lost sinner; declaring to her, that he would fulfil in her the work of faith with power. “My soul for your’s (I told her) if you depart hence, before your eyes have seen his salvation. Yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry. The word of our God shall stand for ever. Every one that seeketh findeth. Fear not; behold, he comes quickly; and one moment of his presence will make you abundant amends for all the pain of absence.”
When I was gone, her sufferings rather increased, and Satan raged the more. The lyon tore her as it were to pieces: she was in a mighty conflict, and said, “None knows what I have gone thro’ in this sickness; my enemy triumphs over me; it is the hour of darkness, it is more than I am able to bear.”
*_The captive exile hasteneth that she may be loosed, and that she should not die in the pit, nor that her bread should fail._ This trial was the severest of all. “The devil (she said) besets me sorely, I shall never hold out; I shall perish at last; but if I am lost I am content: tho’ I go down to hell, let but Christ be with me, and I will go without fear.” Here she seemed to be strengthened to endure a greater agony. She drank of the cup which her Lord drank of, and had fellowship in those sufferings, which made him cry out, _My_ God _my_ God, _why hast thou forsaken me_! To compleat her distress, the angel of death came! She was struck and changed on a sudden (so that one came and told me she was just a dying.) Then as man would judge, she let go her hold of God: And _the spirit failed before him, and the soul which he had made_.
*In this dreadful moment, this last extremity, this deepest distress the human soul is capable of――the Comforter came. The Lord, her Saviour, came suddenly to his temple, _as lightening shineth from one end of the heaven unto the other, so was the coming of the Son of man_. He took away the veil from her heart, and revealed himself in her, in a manner the world knoweth not of. She broke out, “Now I know that Christ died for me. He has washed me from all my sins in his precious blood. I have eternal life abiding in me.”