Part 31

3. For three weeks I remained exceeding happy. My lamp was lighted, and I had oil in my vessel. The scriptures were opened to me, and were spirit and life: in the Lord’s supper I found the peace that passeth all understanding. None can express the excellency of the virtue which flows from the merits of Christ. I was grafted into the vine, and thereby enabled to _draw water out of the wells of salvation_. Yet I found, there was much in me contrary to the will of God. I had not all the mind that was in Christ. Nay, there remained much of the carnal mind. There was enmity, and strife, and vainglory, which soon embittered my sweets. My heart was bent to backsliding, and continually ready to comply with the suggestions of Satan. I gave way to evil reasoning, which caused peevishness and impatience: and these ate the life of God out of my soul. I could not _endure hardness_: in every storm I was ready to give up my confidence. I could not love God with an undivided heart. It was my desire, to praise him without ceasing: but I could not perform it, for some hindrance was still coming in the way. The Lord often refreshed me by the way: but this did not satisfy. What I wanted was, to have my heart entirely devoted to him. But I found there remained in me a root of bitterness, a stubborn will, and a diabolical nature, capable of committing all manner of wickedness, were it not for restraining grace. Yet I had no light into the scriptures, so as to divide the word, and make a distinction between the justifying and the sanctifying promises. So I was content to be a babe, if my inward corruptions would have let me be at peace. Yea, I had in my heart an utter aversion to the doctrine of entire sanctification, and found all the enmity in me rose against those who spoke of experiencing it. One day hearing a preacher say, we could not live many hours after we were sanctified, my heart readily joined with him. But presently I was struck with those words, _Without holiness no man shall see the Lord_. I fain would have stifled this conviction. At least, I cared not to think of it yet. I thought, Why it is but thirteen months since I was justified. And need I think of being sanctified already? However, if ever I should be, none shall ever know it. But the light increased more and more, and my desires at the same time, till I hungred and thirsted vehemently for something, but I knew not what. One day I was constrained to come unto the Lord, and was seized with an awful sense of his Majesty. I trembled, and for some moments was as in a silent darkness. I was ready to cry, Whither am I going? For it seemed, as if he was going to strike the blow, and send me to everlasting destruction. But I found a spark of light, and cried, “Where is my Jesus? He can _save to the uttermost_.” Presently I cried, “Lord, come quickly!” Yet I had a dread of his coming; for it appeared, as if something strange was going to happen to me. But I said, “Lord, thou prayest for me: O pray for me, that I may _now_ get the victory! Help _now_ my unbelief! Renew me wholly in thy image and likeness! Give me faith, and faith’s increase, that I may be wholly saved from sin.” I then found fresh strength, and cried vehemently, “If thou hast any blessing for me, bless me now! Unworthy as I am, yet I claim, in Christ, my full redemption. I mean to take no denial. Give me all thou hast purchased. Loose me from myself, that I may lie passive in thy hand. Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean!” But I found there was a dark cloud, which still remained between God and my soul. Then I cried, “Lord, let me touch the scepter of thy righteousness. I resign my life and my all. Make me now whole, and take me to thyself.” While I thus pleaded, I was in an agony between hope and despair, till those words came as a mighty rushing wind, _A clean heart I give unto thee_. I received the word with gladness and in much assurance. Soon after came, _Be not faithless, but believing_. At these happy words every cloud was dispelled, and I saw the light which shineth to the perfect day. I found access to the holy of holies, where I now see the Trinity in Unity. The Lord _shineth_ unto me _in perfect beauty_: I enjoy an inseparable union with him without intermission. The little leaven has leavened the whole lump. All my senses are now fully employed in spiritual exercise. The love of God, flaming in my heart as an unquenchable fire, has burnt up all the dross, and destroyed every plant which was not of his own planting. I find that oneness with him, being made _one spirit with the Lord_, which enables me to walk with him like _Enoch_, so that I converse with him by his Spirit, as ♦familiarly _as a man doth with his friend_. I find now no want, no inward conflict, but my soul dwells in a peaceable habitation. I am enabled to walk as in the noon-day sun: my heart is fixed, and my soul is watered every moment. Yet the fear of the Lord is ever before me, lest I should grieve the Holy Spirit. I watch and guard the sacred treasure in my heart, not daring to give way to a word or thought, without finding the approbation of the Lord, by the powerful operation of his Spirit. Hereby I know and _prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God_. He manifests his strength in my weakness. I am but a worm; yet he delights to bless me, and has made me perfect in his love, so that nothing interrupts my joy. He enables me, not to lose a moment of time, and to live but a moment at once. My _hope_ is _full of immortality_; and I find no want of spiritual food, no more than if I was in heaven already. Nothing in me opposes the will of God: in nothing can I either wish or chuse. For he hath given me to _walk before him in all well-pleasing_, and to _sit in heavenly places with Christ Jesus_. My loins are girt, my lamp burning, and my soul flourishing as the palm-tree.