From the time you preached on _Galatians_ v. 5. I saw clearly the true state of my soul. That sermon described my heart, and what it wanted to be truly happy. You read Mr. _M._’s letter, and it described the religion which I desired. From that time the prize appeared in view, and I was enabled to follow hard after it. I was kept watching unto prayer, sometimes in much distress, at others in patient expectation of the blessing. For some days before you left _London_, my soul was stayed on a promise I had applied to me in prayer, _The Lord whom ye seek shall suddenly come to his temple_. I believed he would, and that he would sit there as a refiner’s fire. The Tuesday after you went, I thought I could not sleep, unless he fulfilled his word that night. I never knew, as I did then, the force of these words, _Be still, and know that I am God_. I became nothing before him, and enjoyed perfect calmness in my soul. I knew not whether he had destroyed my sin; but I desired to know, that I might praise him. Yet I soon found the return of unbelief, and groaned, being burdened. On Wednesday I went to _London_, and sought the Lord without ceasing. I promised, if he would save me from sin, I would praise him. I could part with all things, so I might win Christ. But I found all these pleas nothing worth, and that if he saved _me_, it must be freely for his own name’s sake. On Thursday, after I had been with _S. Guildford_, and _B. Dixon_, I was so much tempted, that I thought of destroying myself, or never conversing more with the people of God. And yet I had no doubt of his pardoning love: but “’twas worse than death my God to love, and not my God alone.” On Friday my distress was deepened. I endeavoured to pray, and could not. I went to Mrs. _D._ who prayed for me, and told me, it was the death of nature. I opened the bible on _the fearful and unbelieving――shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone_. I could not bear it. I opened it again on _Mark xvi. 6, 7._ _Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth.――Go your way; tell his disciples, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him._ I was encouraged, and enabled to pray, believing I should see Jesus at home. I returned that night, and found Mrs. _G._ She prayed for me: and the Predestinarian had no plea, but, “Lord, thou art no respecter of persons.” He proved he was not, by blessing _me_. I was in a moment enabled to lay hold on Jesus Christ, and found salvation by simple faith. He assured me, the Lord, the King was in the midst of me, and that I should see evil no more. I now blessed him, who had visited and redeemed me, and was become my wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. I saw Jesus altogether lovely, and knew he was mine in all his offices. And glory be to him, he now reigns in my heart without a rival. I find no will but his. I feel no pride, nor any affection but what is placed upon him. I know, it is by faith I stand, and that watching unto prayer must be the guard of faith. I am happy in God this moment, and I believe for the next. I have often read the chapter you mention, and compared my heart and life with it. In so doing, I find my short-comings, and the need I have of the atoning blood. Yet I dare not say, I do not feel a measure of the love there described, though I am not all I shall be. I desire to be lost in that love which passeth knowledge. I wish for no joy, but what increases love.
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_London, September 29, 1762._
_Reverend and dear Sir_,
I THANK you for another proof of your care for my soul, in the enquiries you make. I bless my Lord, his grace is sufficient to make me answer, without hesitation, every question you propose. I have for many months enjoyed such a continuance of the presence of my beloved, as makes me feel I am less than the least of his mercies. The beholding of him, who is fairer than the sons of men, the sight of Christ crucified, prevents the touch of pride, and makes me hate the garment spotted by the flesh. The testimony that I desire is not from man, and the approbation of God never makes me high-minded. Rather I rejoice to him with reverence. He teaches me to delight myself in him: and I feel, I cannot be displeased with any thing that is his choice, I know that I please him; for he testifies of my works, that they are wrought in him.
Indeed Jesus is unspeakably precious.
“Words are too mean to speak his worth, Too mean to set my Saviour forth.”