MEN WITH TWO FACES. 169
They are like a silver pin, Fair without but foul within.
They cover up their black flesh with white feathers. Saturday and Sunday make a wonderful difference in them. They have the fear of the minister a deal more before their eyes than the fear of God. Their religion lies in imitating the religious; they have none of the root of the matter in them. They carry Dr. Watts' hymn-book in their pocket, and sing a roaring song at the same time. Their Sunday coats are the best part about them; the nearer you get to their hearts the more filth you will find. They prate like parrots, but their talk and their walk do not agree. Some of them are fishing for customers, and a little pious talk is a cheap advertisement ; and if the seat at the church or the meeting costs a trifle, they make it up out of short weights. They don't worship God wrhile they trade, but they trade on their worship. Others of the poorer sort go to church for soup, and bread, and coal tickets. They love the communion because of the alms' money. Some of the dear old Mrs. Good- bodies want a blessed almshouse, and so
170 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
they profess to be so blessed under the blessed ministry of their blessed Pastor every blessed Sabbath. Charity suits them if faith does not; they know which side their bread is buttered on.
Others make a decent show in religion to quiet their consciences ; they use it as a salve for their wounds — and if they could satisfy heaven as easily as they quiet them- selves it would be a fine thing for them. It has been my lot to meet with some who went a long way in profession, as far as I could see, for nothing but the love of being thought a deal of. They got a little knot of friends to believe in their fine talk, and take all in for gospel that they liked to say. Their opinion was the true measure of a preacher's soundness ; they could settle up everything by their own know, and they had gallons of XXX experience for those who liked something hot and strong; but dear, dear, if they had but condescended to show a little Christian practice as well, how much better their lives would have weighed up ! These people are like owls, which look to be big birds, but they are not, for they are all feathers; and they look wonderfully
MEN WITH TWO FACES. 171
knowing in the twilight, but when the light comes they are regular boobies.
Hypocrites of all sorts are abominable, and he who deals with them will rue it. He who tries to cheat the Lord will be quite ready to cheat his fellow men. Great cry generally means little wool. Many a big chimney in which you expect to see bacon and hams, when you look up it, has nothing to show you but its empty hooks and black t soot. Some men's windmills are only nut-crackers — their elephants are nothing but sucking-pigs. It is not all who go to church or meeting that truly pray, nor those who sing loudest that praise God most, nor those who pull the longest faces who are the most in earnest.
What mean animals hypocrites must be ! talk of polecats and weasels, they are nothing to them. Better be a dead dog than a live hypocrite. Surely when the devil sees hypocrites at their little game, it must be as good as a play to him ; he tempts genuine Christians, but he lets these alone, because he is sure of them. He need not shoot at lame ducks, his dog can pick them up any day.
172 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK,
Depend upon it, friends, if a straight line will not pay, a crooked one won't. What is got by shuffling is very dangerous gain. It may give a moment's peace to wear a mask, but deception will come home to you and bring sorrow with it. Honesty is the best policy. If the lion's skin does not do, never try the fox's. Be as true as steel. Let your face and hands, like the church clock, always tell how your inner works are going. Better be laughed at as Tom Tell- truth than be praised as Crafty Charlie. Plain dealing may bring us trouble, but it is better than shuffling. At the last the up- right will have their reward, but for the double-minded to get to heaven is as im- possible as for a man to swim across the Atlantic with a mill-stone under each arm.
HINTS AS TO THRIVING.
" If the cat sits long enough at the hole she will catch the mouse." Page 179.
HARD work is the grand secret of suc- cess. Nothing but rags and poverty can come of idleness. Elbow grease is the
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174 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
only stuff to make gold with. No sweat no sweet. He who would have the crow's eggs must climb the tree. Every man must build up his own fortune nowadays. Shirt sleeves rolled up lead on to best broad- cloth ; and he who is not ashamed of the apron will soon be able to do without it. " Diligence is the mother of good luck," as poor Richard says ; but " Idleness is the devil's bolster," as John Ploughman says.
Believe in travelling on step by step ; don't expect to be rich in a jump.
Great greediness to reap Helps not the money heap.
Slow and sure is better than fast and flimsy. Perseverance, by its daily gains, enriches a man far more than fits and starts of fortunate speculation. Little fishes are sweet. Every little helps, as the sow said when she snapped at a gnat. Every day a thread makes a skein in a year. Brick by brick houses are built. We should creep before we walk, walk before we run, and run before we ride. In getting rich the more haste the worse speed. Haste trips up its own heels. Hasty climbers have sudden falls.
HINTS AS TO THRIVING. 175
It is bad beginning business without cap- ital. It is hard marketing with empty pockets. We want a nest egg, for hens will lay where there are eggs already. It is true you must bake with the flour you have, but if the sack is empty it might be quite as well not to set up for a baker. Making bricks without straw is easy enough compared with making money when you have none to start with. You, young gentleman, stay as a journeyman a little longer, till you have saved a few pounds; fly when your wings have got feathers ; but if you try it too soon you will be like the young rook that broke its neck through trying to fly before it was fledged. Every minnow wants to be a whale, but it is prudent to be a little fish while you have but little water ; when your pond becomes the sea, then swell as much as you like. Trading without capital is like building a house without bricks, mak- ing a fire without sticks, burning candles without wicks ; it leads men into tricks, and lands them in a fix.
Don't give up a small business till you see that a large one will pay you better. Even crumbs are bread.
176 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
Better a poor horse than an empty stall ; Better half a loaf than none at all.
Better a little furniture than an empty house. In these hard times he who can sit on a stone and feed himself had better not move. From bad to worse is poor improvement. A crust is hard fare, but none at all is harder. Don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Remember, many men have done well in very small shops. A little trade with profit is better than a great concern at a loss ; a small fire that warms you is better than a large fire that burns you. A great deal of water can be got from a small pipe if the bucket is always there to catch it. Large hares may be caught in small woods. A sheep may get fat in a small meadow, and starve in a great desert. He who under- takes too much succeeds but little. Two shops are like two stools, a man comes to the ground between them. You may burst a bag by trying to fill it too full, and ruin yourself by grasping at too much.
In a great river great fish are found, But take good heed lest you be drown* d.
HINTS AS TO THRIVING. 177
Make as few changes as you can ; trees often transplanted bear little fruit. If you have difficulties in one place you will have them in another; if you move because it is damp in the valley, you may find it cold on the hill. Where will the ass go that he will not have to work ? Where can a cow live and not get milked ? Where will you find land without stones, or meat without bones ? Everywhere on earth men must eat bread in the sweat of their faces. To fly from trouble men must have eagles' wings. Al- teration is not always improvement, as the pigeon said when she got out of the net and into the pie. There is a proper time for changing, and then mind you bestir yourself, for a sitting hen gets no barley; but do not be forever on the shift, for a roll- ing stone gathers no moss. Stick-to-it is the conqueror. He who can wait long enough will win. This, that, and the other, anything, and everything, all put together make nothing in the end ; but on one horse a man rides home in due season. In one place the seed grows, in one nest the bird hatches its eggs, in one oven the bread bakes, in one river the fish lives. 12
178 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
Do not be above your business. He who turns up his nose at his work quarrels with his bread and butter. He is a poor smith who is afraid of his own sparks ; there's some discomfort in all trades except chim- ney-sweeping. If sailors gave up going to sea because of the wet ; if bakers left off baking because it is hot work ; if ploughmen would not plough because of the cold, and tailors would not make our clothes for fear of pricking their fingers, what a pass we should come to ! Nonsense, my fine fellow, there's no shame about any honest calling ; don't be afraid of soiling your hands, there's plenty of soap to be had. All trades are good to good traders. A clever man can make money out of dirt. Lucifer matches pay well if you sell enough of them.
Never mind the stink, Sweets smells the chink.
You cannot get honey if you are fright- ened at bees, nor sow corn if you are afraid of getting mud on your boots. Lackadaisical gentlemen had better emigrate to Fool's- land, where men get their living by wearing
HINTS AS TO THRIVING, 179
shiny boots and lavender gloves. When bars of iron melt under the south wind, when you can dig the fields with tooth-picks, blow ships along with fans, manure the crops with lavender water, and grow plum- cake in flowerpots, then will be a fine time for dandies ; but until the Millennium comes we shall all have a deal to put up with, and had better bear our present burdens than run helter-skelter where we shall find matters a deal worse.
Plod is the word. Every one must row with such oars as he has, and as he can't choose the wind, he must sail by such as God sends him. Patience and attention will get on in the long run. If the cat sits long enough at the hole she will catch the mouse. Always-at-it grows good cabbage and lettuce where others grow thistles. I know as a ploughman that it is up and down, up and down the field that ploughs the acres; there's no getting over the ground by a mile at a time. He who plods on, the clods on, rods on rods will turn of the sods while laziness nods.
Keep your weather eye open. Sleeping poultry are carried off by the fox. Who
180 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
watches not catches not. Fools ask what's o'clock, but wise men know their time. Grind while the wind blows, or if not do not blame providence. God sends every bird its food, but he does not throw it into the nest : he gives us our daily bread, but it is through our own labor. Take time by the forelock. Be up early and catch the worm. The morning hour carries gold in its mouth. He who drives last in the row gets all the dust in his eyes ; rise early, and you will have a clear start for the day.
Never try dirty dodges to make money. It will never pay you to lick honey off of thorns. An honest man will not make a dog of himself for the sake of getting a bone. It is hard to walk on the devil's ice ; it is fine skating, but it ends in a heavy fall, and worse. He needs have a long spoon who would eat out of the same dish with Satan. Never ruin your soul for the sake of pelf: it is like drowning yourself in a well to get a drink of water. Take nothing in hand that may bring you repentance. Better walk barefoot than ride in a carriage to hell ; better that the bird starve than be fattened for the spit. The mouse wins little
HINTS AS TO THRIVING. 181
by nibbling the cheese if it gets caught in the trap. Clean money or none, mark that ; for gain badly got will be an everlasting loss.
A good article, full weight, and a fair price bring customers to the shop, but peo- ple do not recommend the shop where they are cheated. Cheats never thrive ; or if they do it must be in London, where they catch chance customers enough to live by. The long-bow man may hit the mark some- times, but a fair shot is the best. A rogue's purse is full of holes. He will have blisters on his feet who wears stolen shoes. He whose fingers are like lime-twigs will find other things stick to them besides silver. Steal eels and they will turn to snakes. The more a fox robs the sooner he will be hunted. If a rogue wants to make a good trade he had better turn honest. If all you aim at is profit, still deal uprightly, for it is the most paying game.
Look most to your spending. No matter what comes in, if more goes out you will always be poor. The art is not in making money, but in keeping it ; little expenses, like mice in a barn, when they are many,
182 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
make great waste. Hair by hair heads get bald. Straw by straw the thatch goes off the cottage, and drop by drop the rain comes into the chamber. A barrel is soon empty if the tap leaks but a drop a minute. Chickens will be plucked feather by feather if the maid keeps at it ; small mites eat the cheese ; little birds destroy a great deal of wheat. When you mean to save, begin with your mouth ; there are many thieves down the red lane. The ale jug is a great waster. In all other things keep within compass. In clothes choose suitable and lasting stuff, and not tawdry fineries. To be warm is the main thing ; never mind the looks. Never stretch your legs further than your blankets will reach, or you will soon be cold. A fool may make money, but it needs a wise man to spend it. Remember it is easier to build two chimneys than to keep one going. If you give all to back and board there is nothing left for the sav- ings bank. Fare hard and work hard while you are young, and you have a chance of rest when you are old.
Never indulge in extravagance unless you want to make a short cut to the work-
HINTS AS TO THRIVING. 183
house. Money has wings of its own, and if you find it another pair of wings, wonder not if it flies fast.
He that hath it, and will not keep it; He that wants it, and will not seek it ; He that drinks and is not dry, Shall want money as well as I.
If our poor people could only see the amount of money which they melt away in drink their hair would stand on end with fright. Why, they swallow rivers of beer, and seas of porter, and great big lakes of spirits and other fire-waters. We should all be clothed like gentlemen and live like fighting-cocks if what is wasted on fuddle could be sensibly used. We should need to get up earlier in the morning to spend all our money, for we should find ourselves suddenly made quite rich, and all that through stopping the drip of the tap. At any rate, you young people who want to get on in the world must make a point of dropping your half-pints, and settle in your spirits that no spirits shall ever settle you. Have your luxuries, if you must have them, after you have made your fortunes, but just now look after your bread and cheese.
1 84 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
Pray excuse me for spinning this long yarn, for as I pulled it came. My talk seems like the Irishman's rope which he could not get into the ship because some- body had cut the end off. I only want to say, do not be greedy, for covetousness is always poor: still strive to get on, for pov- erty is no virtue, and to rise in the world is to a man's credit as well as his comfort. Earn all you can, save all you can, and then give all you can. Never try to save out of God's cause ; such money will canker the rest. Giving to God is no loss ; it is put- ting your substance into the best bank. Giving is true having, as the old grave-stone said of the dead man, u What I spent I had, what I saved I lost, what I gave I have." The pockets of the poor are safe lockers, and it is always a good investment to lend to the Lord. John Ploughman wishes all young beginners long life and prosperity.
Sufficient of wealth,
And abundant health,
Long years of content,
And when life is spent
A mansion with God in glory.
TALL TALK.
" Gooseberries are to be heard of weighing twice as much as possible."
THE art of stretching is uncommonly general nowadays. Gooseberries are to be heard of weighing twice as much as possible, and unseen showers of frogs
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186 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
fall regularly when newspapers are slack. If a cart goes by, and rattles the lid of an old woman's teapot, it is put down as an earthquake. Fine imaginations are not at all scarce. Certain people are always on the look out for wonders, and if they don't see them they invent them. They see comets every night, and hear some rare tale every day. All their molehills are moun- tains. All their ducks are swans. They have learned the multiplication table, and use it freely. If they saw six dogs together they would swear they saw a hundred hounds; yes, and get as red in the face as turkey-cocks if anybody looked a little doubtful; and before long they would per- suade themselves that they saw ten thou- sand lions ; for everything grows with them as fast as mushrooms, and as big as Box Hill.
All things around them are wonderful, but as for themselves, nobody is fit to clean their boots. They are the cream of crea- tion. They are as strong as Samson, and could pull against John Ploughman's team, only they won't try it, for fear of hurting the horses. Their wealth is enormous;
TALL TALK. 187
they could pay off the National Debt, only they have good reasons for not doing so just yet. If they keep shop they turn over several millions in the year, and only stop in business at all for the sake of their neighbors. They sell the best goods at the lowest prices, in fact, under cost price ; and none in the county are fit to hold a candle to them; their business is cock of the walk and king of the castle. If they take a farm it is only for amusement, and to show the poor ignorant natives how to do it. All their doings are wonders ! Like the wild beast show which stopped at our village the other day, they are the only, original, and unrivalled! But they are quite as dead a sell as that fine affair was ; all the best of it was outside on the pictures, and it's just the same with them. But, bless you, how they do draw the long bow ! Hear them talk. It is all in capital letters and notes of admiration. " Did you ever see such A nag ? Why, sir, it would beat the wind ! ! That Cow — let me call your attention to her, there is not such another in the county; just notice the swing of her tail ! ! Yes, sir, that boy of mine is
1 88 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
intelligent, far beyond his years. He's a perfect prodigy! Like his father, did you say? Very kind remark, sir, but there's a good deal of truth in it : though I say it, a man must get up early to beat me! Pm one too many for most people ! Just look over the farm, sir. Was there ever such a field of turnips? The fly on the leaf? Not a bit, sir ; that arises from the peculiar sort ; it's A very rare turnip, with venti- lated leaves pricked through by nature to let the air in and out ! Too many moles did you say? Ah! thereby hangs a tale. Do you know our moles are a great sin- gularity? they throw up bigger hills than any others in England, and are supposed to be of a fine old British stock now al- most lost. Did you notice that tremen- dous thistle ? Is it not a rare specimen ? enough to make a Scotchman die of joy. That shows the extraordinary richness of the soil ; and, indeed, sir, our last year's crop of wheat was so amazingly heavy, I thought we should never get it home; it nearly broke the wagons ; we had half the county here to see it threshed, and the old- est men in the parish said they never heard
TALL TALK. 189
tell of the like. It is a mercy that steam
IS INVENTED, OR WE NEVER COULD HAVE THRESHED IT BY HAND."
When a man gets into this style of talk, it is no matter what he is hammering at, he speaks of it as the finest, greatest, and most marvellous in the kingdom, or else the most awful, horrible, and dreadful in the world. His boots would not fit Goliath, but his tongue is much too big for the giant's mouth. He paints with a broom. He sug- ars his dumplings with a spade, and lays on his butter with a trowel. His horse, his dog, his gun, his wife, his child, his singing, his planning, are all nonsuches, he is the forehorse of the parish, he lives at Number One, and it would be hard to find a man fit to be number two to him. The water out of his well is stronger than wine ; it rains pea-soup into his water butt; his currant bushes grow grapes ; you might live in- side one of his pumpkins ; and his flowers — well, he's heard that the Queen herself had the fellow plant to that geranium, only his was rather the better ! The greatest won- der is that men of this kidney don't see that everybody is laughing at them ; they must
190 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
have bragged themselves blind. Everybody sees the bottom of their dish, and yet they go on calling in an ocean, as if they had none but flat fish to deal with.
I've known men who open their mouths like barn doors in boasting what they would do if they were in somebody else's shoes. If they were in Parliament they would abolish all taxes, turn workhouses into palaces, make the pumps run with beer, and set the Thames on fire ; but all this de- pends on an if, and that if is a sort of five- barred gate which they have never got over. If the sky falls we shall catch larks. If Jack Brag does but get the reins he'll make the horses fly up to the moon. If is a fine word ; when a man jumps on its back it will carry him into worlds which were never created, and make him see miracles which were never wrought. With an if you may put all London into a quart pot.
" If all the seas were one sea, What a great sea that would be ! And if all the trees were one tree, What a great tree that would be ! And if all the axes were one axe, What a great axe that would be !
I
TALL TALK. 191
And if all the men were one man,
What a great man he would be !
And if the great man took the great axe,
And cut down the great tree,
And let it fall into the great sea,
What a splish splash that would be ! "
" What nonsense !" says some one ; so John Ploughman thinks, and therefore he puts it in as a specimen of the stupidity which tall talkers are so fond of. This is not half so silly as nine out of ten of their mighty nothings.
What some of these fellows have done ! Now, would you believe it ? (I say, " No, I would not/') They made their own for- tunes in no time, and made other people's too. Their advice has been the means of filling many a bag with gold. What they said at a meeting fastened the people to their seats like cobbler's wax. They were in a quarrel, and when all their party were nearly beaten, they settled off the opposi- tion side at once with first-rate wit and wis- dom— King Solomon was a fool to them. As to religion, they were the first to set it up in the parish, and by their wonderful exertions everything was set a going. They
192 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
laid the golden egg. People are not grate- ful, or they would almost worship them: it's shameful to see how they have been neglected, and even turned off, of late by the very people whom they have been the making of. While they had a finger in the pie all went well at the meeting, but now they have left they say there's a screw loose, and they who live longest will see most. When they are in a modest humor they borrow words from David, and say, " The earth is dissolved, I bear up the pil- lars of it." It is thought that their death would fill the world with bones. If they remove their custom people are expected to shut up their shops directly, and it is only their impudence that makes them hope to get a living after such customers are gone. When they feel a little natural pride at their great doings, then it's fine to hear them go ahead : talk of blowing your own trumpet, they have a whole band of music, big drum and all, and keep all the instruments going first-rate to their own praise and glory.
I'd rather plough all day and be on the road with the wagon all night when it freezes your eyelashes off than listen to
TALL TALK. 193
these great talkers ; they make me as sick as a cat. I'd sooner go without eating till I was as lean as a wash-leather than eat the best turkey that ever came on the table, and be dinned all the while with their awful jaw. They talk on such a mighty big scale, and magnify everything so thunder- ingly, that you cannot believe them when they accidentally slip in a word or two of truth ; and so you are apt to think that even their cheese is chalk. They are great liars, but they are hardly conscious of it; they have talked themselves into believing their own bombast. The frog thought her- self equal to the cow, and then began to blow herself out to make it true; they swell like her and they will burst like her if they don't mind.
Everybody who knows these big talkers should take warning from them :
" Said I to myself, here's a lesson for me, This man is a picture of what I might be."
We must try to state the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If we begin calling eleven inches a foot we shall 13
194 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
go on till we call one inch four-and-twenty. If we call a heifer a cow, we may one day call a dormouse a bullock. Once go in for exaggeration, and you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb ; you have left the road of truth, and there is no telling where the crooked lane may lead you to. He who tells little lies will soon think nothing of great ones, for the principle is the same. Where there is a mouse-hole there will soon be a rat-hole, and if the kitten comes the cat will follow. It seldom rains but it pours ; a little untruth leads on to a perfect shower of lying.
Self-praise is no recommendation. A man's praise smells sweet when it comes out of other men's mouths, but in his own it stinks. Grow your own cherries, but don't sing your own praises.
Boasters are never worth a button with the shank off. Long tongue, short hand. Great talkers, little doers. Dogs that bark much run away when it is time to bite. The leanest pig squeaks most. It is not the hen which cackles most that lays most eggs. Saying and doing are two different things. It is the barren cow that bellows.
TALL TALK, 195
There may be great noise of threshing where there is no wheat. Great boast, little roast. Much froth, little beer. Drums sound loud because there is nothing in them. Good men know themselves too well to chant their own praises. Barges without cargoes float high on the canal, but the fuller they are the lower they sink. Good cheese sells itself without puffery; good wine needs no bush ; and when men are really excellent, people find it out with- out telling. Bounce is the sign of folly. Loud braying reveals an ass. If a man is ignorant and holds his tongue, no one will despise him ; but if he rattles on with an empty pate, and a tongue that brags like forty, he will write out his own name in capital letters, and they will be these — F, O, O, L.
As "by the ears the ass is known " — A truth as sure as parsons preach,
"The man," as proverbs long have shown, " Is seen most plainly through his speech. "
" I would not choose to be gossipped to death by wild washerwomen." — Page 199
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THINGS I WOULD NOT CHOOSE.
IF it were all the same to other folks and I might have things managed exactly as I liked, I should not choose to have my homely book pulled to pieces by fellows who have not the honesty to read it, but make up their minds beforehand, as Simple Simon did when they put him on the jury. However, as the rhinoceros said, I have not a very thin skin : and if it amuses others to find fault with me, they are as welcome as they are free. The anvil is not afraid of the hammer. They tell me those London editors cut a page open, and then smell the knife, and fall to praising the book up to the skies, or abusing it without mercy, according as the maggot bites them, or according to what they have had for din- ner. John Ploughman hopes the publisher will turn down this leaf when he sends his book to the papers, and he hopes the fol- lowing word to the wise will be enough : 7" hope my pears won't fall into pigs' mouths. I should not choose, if I might have my own way, to see a dozen of these pages brought home wrapped round the butter the next time we send to the shop ; but it
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198 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
is not at all unlikely to happen, so I must put up with it, as Tom Higgs did when he had only turkey and plum pudding for dinner.
I should not choose to plough with two old horses spavined and broken-winded, and altogether past work : pity the poor horses and pity the poor ploughman, and no pity at all for the farmer who keeps such wretched cattle. When I see a man whipping and slashing a poor brute of a horse, I want to kick him, but at the same time I feel glad that Violet and Dapper go well enough with the sound of the whip without needing to be paid like lawyers for all they do. A man who knocks a horse about ought to be put in harness himself, and be driven about by a butcher. There's a deal to be done with animals with kind- ness, and nothing with cruelty. He who is unmerciful to his beast is worse than a beast himself.
I should not choose to be a bob-tailed cow in summer-time, nor a servant with a score of masters, nor a minister with half-a- dozen ignorant tyrants for deacons, nor a man who lives with his mother-in-law.
THINGS I WOULD NOT CHOOSE. 199
Nor should I like to try the truth of the old saying —
" Two cats and one mouse, Two women in one house, Two dogs to one bone, Will not agree long."
I had rather not be a dog with a tin kettle tied to his tail, nor a worm on a fisherman's hook, nor an eel being skinned alive, nor a husband with a vixen for his wife. I would much rather not fall into the jaws of a crocodile or the hands of a lawyer; the only suit that lasts too long is a lawsuit, and that would not suit me at all. I would not choose to be gossipped to death by wild washerwomen, or pestered by a travelling bookseller wanting me to take in sixpenny numbers of a book that will run on for ever like old Jimmy's debts.
I should be very hard up before I should choose to sleep with pigs, or live in some people's dirty houses. I would not choose to own half the cottages poor laborers are made to live in ; no farmer would be so mean as to keep his horses in them; and they are not good enough for dog ken-
200 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
nels. Think of father, and mother, and a grown-up son, and two daughters sleeping in the same room ! It is a burning shame, and a crying sin on the part of those who drive people to such shifts. It won't bear to be thought of, and yet it is not at all uncommon. Squires and landlords, how would you like it ? If any man defends such a system, half-an-hour's hanging would be a good thing for him.
To be servant to a miser, to work for a wasp, to be catspaw to a monkey, or toady to a lord without brains, I would not choose ; nor to go to the workhouse, nor apply for parish relief; I'd sooner try Grantham gruel, nine grits and a gallon of water. I would not go round with the hat for my own pocket, nor borrow money, nor be a loafer, nor live like a toad under a harrow; no, not for all that ever thawed out of the cold hand of charity.
Bad off as I am, I would not choose to change, unless I could hope to better my- self. Who would go under the spout to get out of the rain ? What's the use of travelling to the other end of the world to be worse off than you are ? Old England
THINGS I WOULD NOT CHOOSE. 201
for me, and Botany Bay for those who like to transport themselves.
I would not choose to drive a pig, nor to manage a jibbing nag, nor try to persuade a man with a wooden head ; nor should I like to be a schoolmaster with unruly boys, nor a bull baited by dogs, nor a hen who has hatched ducks. Worse off still is a preacher to drowsy hearers ; he hunts with dead dogs and drives wooden horses. As well hold a service for sleeping swine as sleeping men.
I would not buy a horse of a horsedealer if I could help it, for the two or three honest ones nobody ever heard of. A very honest horsedealer will never cheat you if you don't let him ; an ordinary one will draw your eye-tooth while your mouth is shut. Horses are almost as hard to judge of as men's hearts ; the oldest hands are taken in. What with bone-spavin, ringbone and splints ; grease, crown-scab and rat -tail, wind-galls and cankers, colic and jaundice, sandcracks and founders, mallenders and sallenders, there is hardly a sound horse in the world. It's a bad thing to change horses at all ; if you have a good one keep
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it, for you will not get a better; if you have a bad one keep it, for ten to one you will buy a worse.
I would not choose to make myself a door-mat nor a poodle, nor a fellow who will eat dirt in order to curry favor with great folks. Let who will tell lies to please others, I'd rather have truth on my side, if I go barefoot. Independence and a clear conscience are better with cold cabbage than slavery and sin with roast beef.
I would not like to keep a toll-gate at the top of a long hill, nor to be a tax- collector, nor the summoning officer, nor a general nuisance, nor a poor postman with half enough to live on and twice as much to do as he ought ; better be a gipsy's horse, and live on the common, with no hay and no oats, but plenty of oak cudgel.
I would not choose to be plucked like a goose, nor to be shareholder in a company ; nor to be fried alive, nor to be at the mercy of a Roman Catholic priest.
I would not stand as godfather to any- body's child, to promise that the little sin- ner shall keep God's holy commandments and walk in the same all the days of his life ;
THINGS I WOULD NOT CHOOSE. 203
of the two, I would sooner promise to put the moon into my coat sleeve and bring it out again at the leg of my trousers, or vow that the little dear shall have red hair and a snub nose. Neither would I choose to have lies told over my baby in the hope of getting on the parson's blind side when the blankets were given away at Christmas. I should not choose to go where I should be afraid to die, nor could I bear to live without a good hope for hereafter. I would not choose to sit on a barrel of gunpowder and smoke a pipe, but that is what those do who are thoughtless about their souls while life is so uncertain. Neither would I choose my lot on earth, but leave it with God to choose for me. I might pick and choose and take the worst, but his choice is always best.
TRY.
"We shall get through it now,' said Jack to Harry, as they fin- ished up the pudding." — Page 205.
OF all the pretty little songs I have ever heard my youngsters sing, that is one of the best which winds up —
" If at first you don't succeed, Try, try, try again."
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TR K 205
I. recommend it to grown-up people who are down in the mouth, and fancy that the best thing they can do is to give up. No- body knows what he can do till he tries. " We shall get through it now," said Jack to Harry as they finished up the pudding. Everything new is hard work, but a little " TRY " ointment rubbed on the hand and worked into the heart makes all things easy.
Can't do it sticks in the mud, but Try soon drags the wagon out of the rut. The fox said Try, and he got away from the hounds when they almost snapped at him. The bees said Try, and turned flowers into honey. The squirrel said Try, and up he went to the top of the beech tree. The snowdrop said Try, and bloomed in the cold snows of winter. The sun said Try, and the spring soon threw Jack Frost out of the saddle. The young lark said Try, and he found that his new wings took him over hedges and ditches, and up where his father was singing. The ox said Try, and ploughed the field from end to end. No hill too steep for Try to climb, no clay too stiff for Try to plough, no field too wet for
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Try to drain, no hole too big for Try to mend.
" By little strokes Men fell great oaks."
By a spadeful at a time the navvies digged the cutting, cut a big hole through the hill, and heaped up the embankment.
" The stone is hard, and the drop is small, But a hole is made by the constant fall."
What man has done man can do, and what has never been may be. Ploughmen have got to be gentlemen, cobblers have turned their lapstones into gold, and tailors have sprouted into Members of Parliament. Tuck up your shirt-sleeves, young Hopeful, and go at it. Where there's a will there's a way. The sun shines for all the world. Be- lieve in God, and stick to hard work, and see if the mountains are not removed. Faint heart never won fair lady. Cheer, boys, cheer, God helps those who help themselves. Never mind luck, that's what the fool had when he killed himself with eating suet pudding ; the best luck in all the world is made up of joint oil and sticking plaster.
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Don't wait for helpers. Try those two old friends, your strong arms. Self's the man. If the fox want's poultry for his cubs he must carry the chickens home himself. None of her friends can help the hare; she must run for herself, or the greyhounds will have her. Every man must carry his own sack to the mill. You must put your own shoulder to the wheel and keep it there, for there's plenty of ruts in the road. If you wait till all the ways are paved, you will have light shining between your ribs. If you sit still till great men take you on their backs, you will grow to your seat. Your own legs are better than stilts ; don't look to others, but trust in God and keep your powder dry.
Don't be whining about not having a fair start. Throw a sensible man out of a win- dow, he'll fall on his legs and ask the near- est way to his work. The more you have to begin with the less you will have at the end. Money you earn yourself is much brighter and sweeter than any you get out of dead men's bags. A scant breakfast in the morning of life whets the appetite for a feast later in the day. He who has tasted
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a sour apple will have the more relish for a sweet one ; your present want will make future prosperity all the sweeter. Eighteen- pence has set up many a pedlar in business, and he has turned it over till he has kept his carriage.
As for the place you are cast in, don't find fault with that. You need not be a horse because you were born in a stable. If a bull tossed a man of mettle sky high he would drop down into a good place. A hard-working young man, with his wits about him, will make money where others do nothing but lose it.
Who loves his work and knows to spare, May live and flourish anywhere.
As to a little trouble, who* expects to find cherries without stones, or roses without thorns? Who would win must learn to bear. Idleness lies in bed sick of the mulli- grubs, where industry finds health and wealth. The dog in the kennel barks at the fleas ; the hunting dog does not even know they are there. Laziness waits till the river is dry and never gets to market ; "Try "swims it and makes all the trade.
TR Y. 209
Can't do it couldn't eat the bread and but- ter which was cut for him, but Try made meat out of mushrooms.
Everybody who does not get on lays it all on competition. When the wine was stolen they said it was the rats ; it's very convenient to have a horse to put the sad- dle on. A mouse may find a hole, be the room even so full of cats. Good workmen are always wanted. There's a penny to be turned at the worst booth in the fair. No barber ever shaves so close but another bar- ber will find something left. Nothing is so good but what it might be better ; and he who^sells the best wins the trade. We were all going to the workhouse because of the new machines, so the prophets down at the taproom were always telling us ; but, in- stead of it, all these threshing, and reaping, and hay-making machines have helped to make those men better off who had sense enough to work them. If a man has not a soul above clodhopping he may expect to keep poor, but if he opens his sense-box, and picks up here a little and there a little, even Johnny Raw may yet improve. " Times are bad," they say; yes, and if you go gap- 14
210 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
ing about and send your wits wool gather- ing, times always will be bad.
Many don't get on because they have not the pluck to begin in right earnest. The first pound laid by is the difficulty. The first blow is half the battle. Over with that beer jug, up with the "Try " flag, then out to your work and away to the savings bank with the savings, and you will be a man yet. Poor men will always be poor if they think they must be. But there's a way up out of the lowest poverty if a man looks after it early, before he has a wife and half-a-dozen children : after that he carries too much weight for racing, and most commonly he must be content if he finds bread for the hungry mouths and clothes for the little backs. Yet, I don't know; some hens scratch all the better for having a great swarm of chicks. To young men the road up the hill may be hard, but at any rate it is open, and they who set stout heart against a stiff hill shall climb it yet. What was hard to bear will be sweet to remember. If young men would deny themselves, work hard, live hard, and save in their early days, they need not keep their noses to the grindstone
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all their lives, as many do. Let them be teetotalers for economy's sake ; water is the strongest drink, it drives mills. It's the drink of lions and horses, and Samson never drank anything else. The beer money would soon build a house.
If you want to do good in the world, the little word " Try " comes in again. There are plenty of ways of serving God, and some that will fit you exactly as a key fits a lock. Don't hold back because you cannot preach in St. Paul's ; be content to talk to one or two in a cottage ; very good wheat grows in little fields. You may cook in small pots as well as in big ones. Little pigeons can carry great messages. Even a little dog can bark at a thief, and wake up the master and save the house. A spark is fire. A sen- tence of truth has heaven in it. Do what you do right thoroughly, pray over it heartily, and leave the result to God.
Alas ! advice is thrown away on many, like good seed on a bare rock. Teach a cow for seven years, but she will never learn to sing the Old Hundredth. Of some it seems true that when they were born Solo- mon went by the door, but would not look
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in. Their coat of arms is a fool's cap on a donkey's head. They sleep when it is time to plough, and weep when harvest comes. They eat all the parsnips for supper, and wonder they have none left for breakfast. Our working people are shamefully un- thrifty, and so old England swarms with poor. If what goes into the mash-tub went into the kneading-trough, families would be better fed and better taught. If what is spent in waste were only saved against a rainy day, work houses would never be built.
Once let every man say Try> Very few on straw would lie, Fewer still of want would die ; Pans would all have fish to fry; Pigs would fill the poor man's sty; Want would cease and need would fly; Wives and children cease to cry; Poor rates would not swell so high ; Things wouldn't go so much awry — You'd be glad, and so would I.
MONUMENTS.
" Some men are nothing better than walking beer barrels while they live." — Page 214.
EVERY man should leave a monument behind him in the recollection of his own life by his neighbors. There must be something very much amiss about a man
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214 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
who is not missed when he dies. A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you, and were helped by you, will remember you when forget-me-nots are withered. Carve your name on hearts, and not on marble. So live towards others that they will keep your memory green when the grass grows on your grave. Let us hope there will be something better to be said about us than of the man whose epitaph is —
"Here lies a man who did no good, And if he'd lived he never would; Where he's gone, and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares."
May our friends never remember us as great gormandizers of meat and drink, like the glutton over whose grave is written —
" Gentle reader, gentle reader, Look on the spot where I do lie, I always was a very good feeder, But now the worms do feed on I."
As much as that might be said of a prize pig, or a fat bullock, if it died of disease. Some men are nothing better than walking beer barrels while they live ; when death
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