_Of his fresh strugglings with sin; its victories; and the cause of them, and God’s goodness with respect to this trial._
1. FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the security into which I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be most successful. I objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reasoned with them: I prayed against them. Nor could I then see, whence it was that they prevailed: but God hath since shewn me several reasons of it. I laid too much stress on the grace I had already received; I was not sufficiently watchful: the enemy put me on vain work; where the sin lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he set me upon renouncing it in the gross, and rooting out what was in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to my passions, and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I still neglected some means of God’s appointment, under pretence of difficulties and inconveniences, and so prevented his blessing upon the rest. I was sometimes not single in my aims: I wanted a victory which would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness, I was weary of a fighting life, and desired to conquer, that I might be at rest. Lastly, when I was not quickly heard, I did not persevere in prayer, for _grace to help in time of need_.
2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me: he kept me from giving quite over: when I had many times gone furthest into temptations, yet he came in with seasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard prest, he so cleared up to me my own sincerity, as emboldened me to appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement, vigorously to oppose all my enemies.
3. And God has since let me see, what gracious designs he carried on by these trials. Hereby he taught me, that all Christians must be soldiers; that our security as to future temptations does not lie in grace already received, but in having our way open to the throne of grace; that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able to judge;¹ that the covenant of grace doth not promise entire freedom from sins of infirmity, nor even from wilful sins, otherwise than in the constant, as well as careful use, of all the means which he hath appointed. Hereby too he let me see, how displeased he was for my cleaving to sin so long. The sins that now frequently cast me down were those I sought to spare before. God cried often to me, to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried against them. Hereby also he discovered the riches of that forgiveness that is with him, that it reaches sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses not excepted. He that requires us to forgive seventy times seven, will not do less himself. And finally, he fitted me hereby to compassionate, and to comfort others also who were tempted.
¹ See the preface.
4. During all this time, besides sins of infirmity, my corruptions did sometimes bear me down to relapses, both into omissions of duties, and commission of known sins. And these being sins against light, love, and all sorts of engagements, lay heavy upon my conscience. I was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, my spirit wounded exceedingly.
5. At some times, indeed, I was for a while _hardened by the deceitfulness of sin_, and senseless; at other times my heart instantly smote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up to the exercise of repentance. But sooner or later God set my sins in order before me, either by some outward or inward affliction (often so remarkably chosen, that the sin was wrote upon the punishment) or by his word, or his holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that I had done.
6. Then was my soul troubled with fear and shame, and a sense of his anger, by which Satan often sought to drive me to despair. But God graciously brake the force of this temptation, sometimes by distant discoveries of forgiveness; sometimes by reminding me of his former kindness, or shewing me the fatal issue of casting away my confidence. *And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time to dispute, but allowed the worst the tempter could suggest, and then laid my case, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises of the covenant. “Be it granted, said I, that I am but an hypocrite: that I never obtained pardon: that I am the chief of sinners; that my sins have such aggravations as the sins of no other man ever had;” yet _the blood of_ Christ _cleanseth from all sin_, and he came to save the chief of sinners.