*7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and sought him in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the first. He set my sin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to original sin, the source of all: he cut off all excuses, and left me self-convicted, owning that any punishment on this side hell would be mercy. Then he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery of _the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness_. He drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to lay stress upon it. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my soul melted into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loosed; and my lips, before closed, were opened. While he thus answered me, and I could scarce believe the news, _he created peace by the fruit of his lips_, and as it were forced it upon my soul, and _shed abroad his love in my heart_.
8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1. That sometimes this work was wrought gradually; sometimes all at once, and in a moment. 2. Sometimes I sought peace long before I obtained it; sometimes God surprized me immediately upon my sin, before I had thought in the least what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly. And when it was thus, it pierced through my soul, filling me with the deepest loathing of my ♦sin, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of his grace.
♦ “soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these impressions, and likewise as to the degrees of them. At some times, my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far clearer than at others. But amidst all these accidental differences, the substance of the work was always the same. I would observe, lastly, That the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I was attacked by plain sins, I was easily convinced and alarmed at them, which was attended with all these happy effects; whereas I have been since assaulted by less discernible evils, sins under the mask of duties; and these secretly devour the strength, and are ♦with difficulty discovered in their exceeding sinfulness.
♦ inserted word “with” per Errata
*I must not pass over without notice, that when I first felt forgiveness of sins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, sins of infirmity and daily incursion: of this I shall give a more distinct account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him: they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness of his appearing. He, for a time bore down corruption, chained up Satan, and kept me from any, the least disturbance from them. 2. It was some time before my stronger enemies appeared again; presumptuous sins did not soon approach me; I first found the remaining power of sin only by the invasion of sins of daily infirmity, particularly deadness in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much discouraged, neither understanding my present state, nor the provision made for the case in the covenant of grace, by a daily application of the blood of ♦atonement. 4. When my fond expectation was disappointed, I at first essayed to humble myself distinctly for each of these transgressions. But finding my whole time would not suffice for this, I was obliged to go with them all at once, and plunge into the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. I took a view of myself defiled by innumerable evils, and under a sense of them cast myself on the glorious atonement, and relied for the cleansing me from them all on that blood which cleanseth from all sin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light which first discovered this plenteous redemption, tho’ variously clouded, yet was never quite lost. A child of light is never in utter darkness. He has, indeed, a summer’s sun, that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his winter’s sun, which shines more faintly. He has fair and rainy days; he has a changeable intercourse of day and night: but light more or less, there is always.
♦ “attonement” replaced with “atonement”