4. God had many gracious designs in this. I was sore broken and wounded, and he did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds, he poured in oil, he made me a bed in my sickness. He watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he has forgotten to be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea, though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived. God in deep condescension, satisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to healing. He was now to make me sell all for that goodly pearl; and that I might be satisfied with my purchase, he let me see both what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore fed me before I entered into it. Lastly, He designed to give me something which might be a stay in all succeeding trials. And often since, when my soul has been in heaviness, have I been cheared by the remembrance of it.
5. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last always; I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not I was to come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again. I dreamed not of learning, or having occasion for war any more; I expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies, which appeared not were dead, and that the “_Egyptians_ were all drowned in the sea.” Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to such a bent, and to stint myself to such a method of living, as neither our circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. I could not endure to read those books which were really necessary to be read, and all the time I spent in them seemed lost. Yea, I began to grudge the time which my body absolutely required for sleep or other refreshments. Thus the devil secretly drove from one extreme to the other, knowing well, that I should not rest here, and that he could easily throw me back from this into the first, of assuming too great a latitude. I began likewise to reckon this enlargement of heart as my due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the stock I already had as sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and saw not, that the grace, which was sufficient for me, was yet in the Lord’s hand.
6. But now God began to undeceive me; he gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me, and a messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, who soon made me feel the fury of his temptations. Hereupon I fell into deep perplexity; I began to question the truth of former manifestations, to doubt of my own perseverance; yea, sometimes to quarrel secretly with God, as if he had beguiled me. I tried many ways, to escape; I thought upon God; I complained to him; I sought for the causes of my affliction; _I essay’d to shake myself, and to go forth_ to duty _as before_; but alas! the Lord was departed from me; and the enemy, _which lay in my bosom_, had _discovered my secret, and shorn me of my strength_.
7. Yet I could not but see, when I recovered myself a little, after the violence of my conflict, that things were better with me now at my worst case, than formerly at my best. God frequently shewed me something of his power and glory; he open’d a scripture, and made my heart burn within me, or unfolded my case, and told me all that was in my heart; or let me see my desire upon my enemies. Sometimes he gave me access unto him, and made me come even to his seat, and pour out my heart before him. And when at the lowest, I was otherwise affected to Christ than before; my soul still longed after him; I essay’d to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would impower me to lay hold of him. I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait on him, and to trust in him, even though he should slay me. And as to his law, though I could not run in it, my will was still toward it; I had no quarrel to it, but to myself; I breathed after conformity with it; I delighted therein after the inward man. And as to sin, though I was sometimes driven to it, this was just such a forced consent as before I gave to the law. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before; I found another sort of opposition to it; and if ever it gained a victory, I was the more enraged against it. Lastly, This coldness was now a preternatural state: I cried daily, _When wilt thou receive me_? I loathed myself for it; I could not rest in it; I wearied myself with essaying to break my prison: I looked back to former seasons, and said, _O that it were with me as in months past_!