Struggling on still in the dark, he added fasting to his prayers and resolutions. But all this did not do. He still found himself bound as in _affliction and iron_. He remained in sore bondage, doing the evil he would not, and not doing the good, which he would have done, (Romans ♦vii.) His convictions became still sharper and his fear of hell more deeply distressing. Endeavouring therefore by some means or other to procure rest for his soul, he had recourse to his former shifts, and says, “I repeated my resolutions and vows against sin; but especially whenever I fell into any outward wickedness; and above all, the _sin that did so easily beset me_. Then I was as on the rack, and thro’ extremity of anguish, have frequently struck myself against the ground, tearing the hairs from off my head.”
♦ “7” replaced with “vii” for consistency
His light began now to encrease with his painful feeling. “About this time (says he) by reading, and the help of the holy Spirit, I began to have a still clearer notion concerning the nature and consequences of sin, and particularly of those which by the church of _Rome_ are termed mortal sins.”
This increase of knowledge did not however mend, much less heal his heart. No,
The sudden ray of heavenly light, Which dimly dawned upon his night, But made his darkness visible, And left him to a deeper hell.
And even in this respect he found it true, that _he that encreaseth knowledge, encreaseth sorrow_; a proposition which is universally true, with respect to all the pursuits of the soul after happiness: the knowledge of Jesus Christ, _and him crucified_, alone excepted. Struggling therefore in his chains, he resolved upon other measures. And finding that his prayers, tears, resolutions, and vows did not avail, he devised another expedient, and came to this determination, solemnly to swear to the Lord, imagining that then it would not be possible that he should break with him afterwards, has had been the case, with all his former efforts.
Accordingly he bound himself by an oath, that for the time to come he would abstain from, and utterly renounce all those sins which had wrought him so much uneasiness. This procedure begot in him for the present, rather some cessation from torment, than true peace, and left him for a while in deep security. But alas! It was not long ere he found this band likewise was altogether weak as the staff of a broken reed. He fell into one of those very sins, against the commission of which he had so sacredly bound himself; involving by this means his enlightened conscience in the additional guilt of (what he called) perjury, and thus rendered his anxiety and embarrassment great beyond description.
Who can conceive what his weary spirit now experienced! His wretchedness and confusion exceeded all the powers of words to express.
Yea, he gave up hope; and became well nigh desperate. He knew not whither to betake himself, or what should be his next step; reasoning thus with himself in the bitterness of his soul, “Since I have perjured myself in one instance, I may as well commit all my old sins over again. Thus (adds he) I was driven by the devil, allured by sin and corruption, and deceived by my own evil heart.”
About this time likewise, it pleased our Lord to visit him with a fit of illness, by which his fears and misery were considerably increased. He often bewailed himself in the uttermost anguish of spirit, with weeping and lamentation, breathing out his soul in moans. “O the guilt of sin; when charged home upon the conscience by the Spirit of God, what an intolerable load! _A wounded spirit who can bear!_”
Thus, _being ignorant of God’s righteousness_; the way of becoming righteous, or justified, which he hath appointed, he went _about to establish_ his _own righteousness_, expecting to be justified _by the works of the law_, and not _by the faith of Jesus Christ_.
He became _wearied in the multitude_ of his _counsels_, and seeking not in God’s way it fared with him accordingly. For still, although he sought for rest, he found it not, because he sought it not aright. These were indeed the days of his invincible ignorance, at which therefore the God of love graciously winked. He _knew_ not, because as yet he had no one to _teach_ him. “How (as he says) could I do otherwise? I had not the bible to instruct me; for I never had read it, except a little at school, when I was about eleven years old. Woe to you (he adds) ye blind guides (meaning the _Romish_ clergy) ye have taken away the key of knowledge, that is, the word of God from the people. It is this which unfolds the hidden treasures of his will, and free grace towards mankind. While therefore I remained ignorant of this, no wonder that I went on in error, and fought _as one that beateth the air_.”