Tuesday, December 18. I went to the Indians, and discoursed to them near an hour, and at last God helped me to speak with warmth. My interpreter also was amazingly assisted; and I doubt not but “the Spirit of God was upon him.” And presently most of the grown persons were much affected, and the tears ran down their cheeks: and one old man (I suppose an hundred years old) was so affected, that he wept, and seemed convinced of the importance of what I taught them. I staid with them a considerable time, exhorting them; and came away, lifting up my heart to God, and encouraged my interpreter to “strive to enter in at the strait gate.”
Thursday, January 5, 1744‒5. Being sensible of the great want of the out-pouring of God’s Spirit, I spent this day in fasting and prayer, to seek so great a mercy for myself, and my poor people in particular, and for the church of God in general.
Saturday, January 5. I was much disordered in my head. I was distressed with a sense of my spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful, yea, and childish follies: all which appeared now fresh, and in a lively view, as if committed yesterday.
Wednesday, January 9. In the morning, God was pleased to remove that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind, and gave me freedom and sweetness in prayer. I was encouraged to plead for grace for myself, and mercy for my poor Indians: and was sweetly assisted in my intercessions with God for others. Those things that of late have appeared almost impossible, were now not only possible, but easy. My soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer, that I had no desire for my _necessary food_: yea, I dreaded leaving off praying, lest I should lose this spirituality, and this blessed thankfulness. I felt now quite willing to live, and undergo all trials that might remain for me in a world of sorrow; but still longed for heaven, that I might glorify God in a perfect manner.
Monday, January 14. I spent this day under a great degree of bodily disorder. It pains me, that I live so much of my time for nothing. I long to do much in a little time, and if it might be the Lord’s will, to _finish my work_ speedily in this tiresome world. I am sure, I do not desire to live for any thing in this world; and through grace I am not afraid to look the _king of terrors_ in the face: I know, I shall be afraid, if God leaves me; and therefore I think it is always my duty to lay in for that solemn hour. *But for a considerable time, my soul has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches; and even when I have been very weak, and seemed nearest eternity. “Not unto me, not unto me, but to God be the glory.” I feel that which convinces me, that if God do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him, death will be a terror, but at present, I must say, “I long to depart, and to be with Christ.” When I am in a sweet resigned frame of soul, I am willing to tarry in a world of sorrow, I am willing to be from home as long as God sees fit; but when I want the influence of this temper, I am then apt to be impatient to be gone.――Oh when will the day appear, that I shall be perfect in holiness.
Wednesday and Thursday, January 16, 17. I spent most of the time in writing on a divine subject, and enjoyed freedom and assistance. O what reason have I to be thankful, that God ever helps me to labour and study for him! He does but _receive his own_, when I am enabled in any measure to praise him, labour for him, and live to him.
Lord’s day, January 27. I had the greatest degree of inward anguish, that ever I endured: I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused, that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish a sentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at. This distressing gloom never went off the whole day: but was so far removed, that I was enabled to speak with some freedom to the Indians, at two of their settlements; and there was some appearance, of the presence of God with us. In the evening the gloom continued still, till at family-prayer,¹ when I was praying for the conversion of my poor people, the cloud was scattered, so that I enjoyed sweetness and freedom, and conceived hopes that God designed mercy for them.
¹ Though Mr. Brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little cottage, which he had built for his own use; yet that was near a _family_ of white people with whom he had lived before, and with whom he still attended family-prayer.