[From these Indians he returned to the Irish settlement, and there preached to a numerous congregation: where was a considerable appearance of awakening. Thursday, he returned home, exceedingly fatigued and spent; still in the same mortification to the world, and solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and on this day he says, “I have felt, this week more of the spirit of a _pilgrim on earth_, than ever before; and yet so desirous to see Zion’s prosperity, that I was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as I used to be.”――On the sabbath, he was confined by illness, not able to go out to preach. He continued very ill all the next week, and says, that “he thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness; and that his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor lie with any quiet; that he was exercised with extreme faintness and sickness at his stomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as his body, seeming to be stupid, and without all kind of affection; and yet perplexed, to think, that he lived for nothing, that precious time rolled away, and he could do nothing but trifle.”――Concerning the next five days, he writes thus, “On Lord’s-day, August 5, was still very poor. But though very weak, I visited and preached to the poor Indians twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed the Lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them: though I had not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down the whole time. Towards night I was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full of pain. And I have continued much the same last week, thro’ the most of this, (it being now Friday) unable to engage in any business; frequently unable to pray in the family. I have neither strength to read, meditate, nor pray: and this perplexes my mind. I seem like a man that has all his estate embarked in one small boat, unhappily going adrift, down a swift current. The poor owner stands on the shore, and looks, and laments his loss. But, alas! though my all seems to be adrift, and I stand and see it, I dare not lament: for this sinks my spirits more, and aggravates my bodily disorders. O that God would pity my distressed state!”
The next day three weeks, his illness was not so extreme; he was in some degree capable of business: he also had, for the most part, much inward assistance; he often expresses great longings for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom: he speaks of his hope of this as all his delight and joy. He continues still to express his usual longings after holiness, and living to God, and his sense of his own unworthiness; he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought there was none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness, and perfection in their obedience, which God requires.]
Saturday, September 1. I enjoyed some comfort and sweetness: and as my bodily strength was a little restored, so my soul seemed to be more engaged in the things of God.
Lord’s-day, September 2. I was enabled to speak to my poor Indians with much concern and fervency; and God enabled me to exercise faith in him, while I was speaking to them. I perceived that some of them were afraid to embrace _Christianity_, lest they should be enchanted and poisoned by the ♦_powwows_: but I bid a challenge to all these _powers of darkness_, to do their worst upon _me_ first. I told my people, I was a _Christian_, and asked them why the ♦_powwows_ did not bewitch and poison me? I scarcely ever felt more sensible of my own unworthiness, than in this: but I saw the honour of God was concerned; and I trusted to be preserved for a testimony of the divine power and goodness, and of the truth of Christianity.
♦ “powows” replaced with “powwows”
Wednesday, September 26. After a journey to New-England, I rode home to the Forks of Delaware. What reason have I to bless God, who has preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles. My health likewise is greatly recovered. O that I could dedicate my all to God!
Monday, October 1. I was engaged this day in making preparation for my journey to Susquahannah; and withdrew several times to plead for the divine presence to go with me to the poor Pagans. Towards night I rode about four miles, and met my brother Byram:¹ who was come, at my desire, to be my companion to the Indians. I rejoiced to see him; and God made his conversation profitable to me. I saw him, as I thought more dead to the world, its cares, and alluring objects, than I was: and this made me look within myself, and gave me a greater sense of my ingratitude, and misery.
¹ Minister at a place called _Rockciticus_, about forty miles from Mr. Brainerd’s lodgings.