[Within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour, to make a little cottage, to live in by himself.]
Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people, on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to give me a discovery of _the plague of my own heart_, more affecting than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this, that when God had _withdrawn_ himself, instead of living and dying in _pursuit_ of him, I have been disposed to one of these two things, either to yield an unbecoming respect to some _earthly_ objects, as if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretly _froward_ and impatiently desirous of _death_. That which often drove me to this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him for _forgiveness_. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need of divine help, that I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food.
Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place called _Greenwich_, about ten miles from my own house. In the first discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many cheeks.
Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his ♦goodness; and rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my reward.
♦ “gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per Errata
Wednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences! How much better than one’s _necessary food_! I had at this time no disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food appeared wholly tasteless.――I visited and preached to the Indians, in the afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was enabled to leave all with God.
Thursday, December 13. I spent the day in fasting and prayer, to implore the divine blessing, more especially on my poor people; in particular for my interpreter, and three or four more under some concern for their souls: but in the evening it seemed as if I had need to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in the day past. The sins I had most sense of, were pride, and wandering thoughts.
Lord’s-day, December 16. I was so overwhelmed with dejection, that I knew not how to live: I longed for death exceedingly: my soul was _sunk into deep waters_, and _the floods_ were ready to _drown me_: I was so much oppressed, that my soul was in a kind of horror: I had no distressing doubt about my own state; but would have chearfully ventured into eternity. While I was going to preach to the Indians, my soul was in anguish; I despaired of doing any good. But at last I insisted on the evidence of Christianity from the _miracles_ of Christ: and God helped me to make a close application to those that refused to believe. I was encouraged to find, that God enabled me to be faithful once more. Then I went and preached to another company of them; but was very weary and faint. In the evening I was something refreshed, and enabled to pray and praise God with composure and affection: I was now willing to live, and longed to do more for God than my weak state of body would admit of. “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me;” and I am willing to _spend_ and _be spent_ in his service.