*I have taken the first opportunity to write, in hopes of profiting by your answer. I want to know the most effectual way to grow in grace; how to improve by all things; how to make good use of the dulness which often creeps upon my mind, and makes my soul stupidly inactive. I want to be all attention to God; to have every faculty of my mind fixedly waiting upon him: but I find myself beat off of this by weariness or listlessness. I often seem to stand fast in the Lord, and am steddily looking unto him; but (I suppose, through unwatchfulness) often lose the deep consciousness, that, “God is here:” yet he does not condemn me; but I abhor myself, while I see the Saviour graciously near. My heart crieth without a voice, “Come and mould thy passive clay. Keep my attention rightly exercised every moment.” And while I call, my Jesus answers. O, did I pray without fainting, I should then be what I wish.
I praise the lover of your soul, that he delights to bless you. May you ever see his full sufficiency to save, and live in the fountain-head of bliss!
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_January 26, 1762._
BLESSED be God, I only seek his approbation, and am content with that alone. The night you wrote, the Lord spake to my heart, “All is your’s.” I feel it true, for Christ is mine. Indeed he is precious to me. My soul is satisfied with its portion. Yet “eager I ask and pant for more.” But my wants do not discourage me. I delight to feel them, for I am persuaded out of his fulness I shall receive a supply. Even while I am receiving from him, he makes me capable of more. I am amazed at his grace.
“I cannot praise him as I wou’d, But he is merciful and good,”
and does not despise the day of small things.
I know I have been unfaithful to the grace of God; yet ♦he pardons without upbraiding. O that every future moment may prove, I feel the time past sufficeth! When I consider you as a younger scholar, I am ashamed; yet I rejoice the Master loveth us both. And though he may justly say to me, “O, slow of heart to understand,” yet he teaches me, as I am able to receive, the lesson of his love. I often meet your spirit, when I go in secret before our Lord. He only knows, how much I desire you may increase, with all the increase of God. May you follow the Lamb in all things! I praise him, that he unites me to himself, and to all whose fellowship is with him: I thank him who gives us to drink into one spirit. My heart feels God continually nigh. My only wish is his will; my only desire his glory.
♦ “ye” replaced with “he”
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_Good Friday._
*IT is given to you to suffer: and happy are you, if our Lord counts you meet to be his companion in the garden. I love his tempted followers above all: and his peculiar care is towards such as drink of his cup. I am thankful to him on behalf of your soul. Faithful is he that hath called you. He will establish your heart, and keep you from all evil, unto his heavenly kingdom.
I always find a fight before a conquest. I am generally warned of approaching trials, and when I am most filled with the consolations of God, I see how amiable it is to follow my Captain, who was made perfect through sufferings. He is daily teaching me the lesson of his cross. When it ceases to be necessary I shall suffer no more. I am often sensible, my own folly obliges him to put me to pain. I know he never willingly afflicts, but chastens in order to make us partakers of his holiness.
O praise our everlasting Friend, who never shews us a defect, but in order to amend it: my soul longeth to live to him. I feel his mercies new every morning. My spirit is so united to the Lord Jesus, that I am persuaded nothing shall separate me from his love. But I have no fruit of the Spirit, in the fulness I desire or expect. I am sensible my privileges are far higher than my attainments: and I want to be stirred up daily, to take the kingdom which is before me by violence.
Of late I have found private prayer the means which brought me nearest to God: but this he often varies, as his wisdom sees best. My soul is more simple than it was: I am learning to leave others to the care of our Shepherd, and desire only to hear and follow him. Let your soul delight itself in him: learn to know how he hath loved you. Be very active in his cause, and passive to his will. My spirit is all peace. May your’s be preserved in Christ Jesus, who hath called you to glory and immortality.
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_April 21._
PEACE be with your spirit! The Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought: thou shalt be like a watered garden; for the Lord Jesus is your well of salvation. With joy may you draw from his fulness, grace for every moment’s want. His design is still to do us good; his delight is with the sons of men.