3. It is an injurious insnaring the minds of others, and tempting them to erroneous opinions of us, and affections to us; which will be their sin, and may bring them into many inconveniences. It is an ordinary thing to do greater hurt to a friend whom we value, by insnaring him in an inordinate love, than ever we did or can do to an enemy by hating him.
_Quest._ II. Is it lawful, meet, or desirable to entertain that extraordinary affection to any one, which is called special friendship; or to have an endeared, intimate friend, whom we love far above all others?
_Answ._ Intimate, special friendship is a thing that hath been so much pleaded for by all sorts of men, and so much of the felicity of man's life hath been placed in it, that it beseemeth not me to speak against it. But yet I think it meet to tell you with what cautions and limits it must be received, and how far it is good, and how far sinful (for there are perils here to be avoided, which neither Cicero, nor his Scipio and Lælius, were acquainted with).
I. 1. It is lawful to choose some one well qualified person, who is fittest for that use, and to make him the chief companion of our lives, our chiefest counsellor and comforter, and to confine our intimacy and converse to him in a special manner above all others. 2. And it is lawful to love him not only according to his personal worth, but according to his special suitableness to us, and to desire his felicity accordingly, and to exercise our love to him more frequently and sensibly (because of his nearness and presence) than towards some better men that are further off.
The reasons of such an intimate friendship are these: 1. No man is sufficient for himself, and therefore nature teacheth them to desire a helper. And there is so wonderful a diversity of temperaments and conditions, and so great a disparity and incongruity among good and wise men towards each other, that one that is more suitable and congruous to us than all the rest, may on that account be much preferred.
2. It is not many that can be so near us as to be ordinary helpers to us; and a wiser man at a distance, or out of reach, may be less useful to us, than one of inferior worth at hand.
3. The very exercise of friendly love and kindness to another is pleasant: and so it is to have one to whom we may confidently reveal our secrets, to bear part of our burden, and to confirm us in our right apprehensions, and to cure us of wrong ones.
4. And it is no small benefit of a present bosom friend, to be instead of all the world to us; that is, of common, unprofitable company: for man is a sociable creature, and abhorreth utter solitude. And among the common sort, we shall meet with so much evil, and so little that is truly wise or good, as will tempt a man to think that he is best when he is least conversant with mankind. But a selected friend is to us for usefulness instead of many, without these common encumbrances and snares.
5. And it is a great part of the commodity of a faithful friend, to be assisted in the true knowledge of ourselves: to have one that will watch over us, and faithfully tell us of the sin, and danger, and duty, which we cannot easily see without help, and which other men will not faithfully acquaint us with.
II. But yet it is rare to choose and use this friendship rightly; and there are many evils here to be carefully avoided. The instances shall be mentioned anon in the directions, and therefore now passed by.
_Quest._ III. Is it meet to have more such bosom friends than one?
_Answ._ 1. Usually one only is meetest: 1. Because love diffused is oft weak, and contracted is more strong. 2. Because secrets are seldom safe in the hands of many. 3. Because suitable persons are rare. 4. And though two or three may be suitable to you, yet perhaps they may be unsuitable among themselves. And the calamities of their own disparities will redound to you; and their fallings-out may turn to the bewraying of your secrets, or to some other greater wrong.
2. But yet sometimes two or three such friends may be better than one alone. 1. In case they be all near and of an approved suitableness and fidelity. 2. In case they be all suitable and endeared to one another. 3. If a man live _per vices_ in several places, and his friends cannot remove with him, he may have one friend in one place, and another in another, and so many will be but as one that is constant. 4. And in case that many may add to our help, our counsel and comfort, more than to our danger, hurt, or trouble. In all these cases many are better than one.
_Quest._ IV. Is it fit for him to take another bosom friend who hath a pious wife? And is any other so fit to be a friend, as he and she that are as one flesh?