_Answ._ When a wife hath the understanding, and virtue, and fidelity fit for this sort of friendship, then no one else is so fit, because of nearness and united interests. The same I say of a husband to a wife. But because that it seldom falls out that there is such a fitness for this office, especially in the wife, in that case it is lawful and meet to choose a friend that is fit indeed, and to commit those secrets to him which we commit not to a wife: for secrets are not to be committed to the untrusty, nor wise counsel to be expected from the unwise, how near soever. And the great writers about this special friendship, do think that no woman is fit for it, but men only; but that conclusion is too injurious to that sex.
_Quest._ V. Is it agreeable to the nature of true friendship to love our friend not only for himself, but for our own commodity? And whether must he or I be the chief end of my love and friendship?
_Answ._ 1. Indeed in our love to God, he that is the object is also our chief and ultimate end, and we must love him more for himself than for ourselves. And yet here it is lawful subordinately to intend ourselves.
2. And our love to the commonwealth should be greater than our love to ourselves, and therefore we may not love it chiefly for ourselves.
3. And if our bosom friend be notoriously better than we are, and more serviceable to God and to the common good, we should love him also above ourselves, and therefore not chiefly for ourselves.
4. But in case of an equality of goodness and usefulness, we are not bound to love our most intimate friend more than ourselves; and therefore may at least equally love him for ourselves as for himself. And if we are really and notoriously better and more useful, we may love him chiefly for ourselves, and ourselves above him. But still we must love God and the public good, above both ourselves and him, and must love both ourselves and him in order to God, who is the beginning and end of all.
_Quest._ VI. Is it contrary to the nature of true friendship to keep any secret from such a bosom friend, or to retain any suspicion of him, or to suppose that he may possibly prove unfaithful to us and forsake us?
_Answ._ Cicero and the old doctors say of friendship, that all this is inconsistent with true friendship; and it is true that it is contrary to perfect friendship: but it is as true, that perfect friendship cannot be and must not be among imperfect men: and that the nature of mankind is so much depraved, that the best are unmeet for perfect friendship: and certainly few men, if any in the world, are fit for every secret of our hearts. Besides that we are so bad, that if all our secret thoughts were known to one another, it might do much to abate our friendship and love to each other. And it is certain that man is so corrupt a creature, and good men so imperfectly cured of their corruption, that there is selfishness, uncertainty, and mutability in the best. And therefore it is not a duty to judge falsely of men, but contrarily to judge of them as they are; and therefore to suppose that it is possible the closest friend may reveal our secrets, one time or other, and that the stedfastest friend may possibly become our enemy. To think that possible which is possible, (and more,) is injurious to none.
_Quest._ VII. Is it lawful to change a bosom friend, and to prefer a new one whom we perceive to be more worthy before an old one?
_Answ._ An old friend, _cæteris paribus_, is to be preferred before a new one, and is not to be cast off without desert and necessity. But for all that, 1. If an old friend prove false, or notably unfit, 2. Or if we meet with another that is far more able, fit, and worthy, no doubt but we may prefer the latter; and may value, love, and use men as they are for goodness, worth, and usefulness.
_Quest._ VIII. What love is due to a minister that hath been the means of our conversion? And can such a one be loved too much?
_Answ._ 1. There is a special love due to such a one, as the hand by which God did reach out to us his invaluable mercies; and ingratitude, and sectarian, proud contempt of such as have been our fathers in Christ, is no small sin.
2. But yet another that never did us good, who is much wiser, and better, and more serviceable to the church, must be better loved, than he by whom we were converted. Because we are to love men more for the sake of God and his image and service, than for ourselves.