190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love_. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I will love thee for ever_.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should stand_? _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be feared_. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_, _that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their transgressions_.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy mouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my refreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me think what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find no such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_. John x. 35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. _For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted of the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and have tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_, _if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_. Heb. vi. 4–6. _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_, _which shall devour the adversaries_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _As Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_. _For ye know how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.