197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_, yet I was glad it was but _for many days_. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That neither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but in vain to pray_. Yet, thought I, _I will pray_. _But_, said the tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_. Well, said I, _I will pray_. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, _I will pray_. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_, _Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ’s blood_, _is sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst_? _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing Thou wilt and canst_.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no more_? _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_? _Doth His promise fail for evermore_? _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_? _Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies_? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’_Tis a question whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.