223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came to the sixth of the _Hebrews_, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling _quite away_; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. _Secondly_, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as _to put Christ to an open shame_. _Thirdly_, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: _It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance_. By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.
_First_, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.
_Secondly_, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to _shame_ by my sin, but not to open _shame_; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.
_Thirdly_, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!
224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the _Hebrews_, and found that the _wilful sin_ there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too. _Secondly_, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, _verse_ 28. _Thirdly_, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.
225. And as touching that in the 12th of the _Hebrews_, about _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, _First_, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. _Secondly_, It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. _Thirdly_, He continued to slight his birthright: _He did eat and drink_, _and went his way_: thus Esau _despised his birthright_, yea, twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esau said, _I have enough_, _my brother_, _keep that thou hast unto thyself_. Gen. xxxiii. 9.
226. Now as touching this, _that_ Esau _sought a place of repentance_; thus I thought: _First_, This was not for the _birthright_, but _the blessing_: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; _He took away my birthright_ (that is, formerly); _and behold now he hath taken away my blessing_. Gen. xxvii. 36. _Secondly_, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning _Esau’s_ sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, _that the birthright_ signified _regeneration_, and the _blessing_, the _eternal inheritance_; for so the apostle seems to hint. _Lest there be any profane person_, _as_ Esau, _who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright_; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become as _Esau_, even be rejected _afterwards_, when they would inherit the blessing.
227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as _Esau_, _Lord_, _Lord_, _open to us_; but then, as _Isaac_ would not repent, no more will God the Father, but will say, _I have blessed these_, _yea_, and _they shall be blessed_; but as for you, _Depart_, _you are the workers of iniquity_. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.