203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, _Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He is able_. But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about _the sufficiency of grace_, and _that_ of _Esau’s_ parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as _My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.
208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there against me_? _There are but three or four_; _And cannot God miss them_, _and save me for all them_? Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it were not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_! And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.