216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the wicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Then that scripture gave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_. Heb. xiii. 5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, _but I have left Thee_. Then it answered again, _But I will not leave thee_. For this I thanked God also.
217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with _Joseph’s_ brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.
218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in _Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not the wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_. Wherefore,
219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.
220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, _Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin_, _yet after that to receive_, _though but the least_, _true spiritual comfort from God though Christ_? The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—
221. _First_, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; _For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _Secondly_, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: _It shall never be forgiven him neither in this world_, _neither in the world to come_. Matt. xii. 32. _Thirdly_, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.
222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.